So it would appear I lost some readers from my post about knowing who is visiting and watching. Like Burlington ran for the exits, confirming what I already knew, I think. The girlfriend left, but it would appear they are on vacation actually. Which the idea of {D} on vacation pisses me the fuck off. He doesn’t deserve a vacation. I do. Fuck that guy.
I’ve been writing and deleting texts to Rock and Roll Lawyer all day. I’ve been fighting off the overwhelming urge to overshare and tell him everything. Why am I like this?
Every weekend I wake up, look at my website analytics, and think to myself, “What the fuck are these people up so early for, and why is part of their morning routine reading my blog?” You people wake up too fucking early (looking at you, Burlington — what the fuck with the 5 a.m?). And I’m really not that interesting. I guess I do try to keep you guys entertained with my rage and dark humor. You guys are using my trauma for your drama every morning at the asscrack of dawn.
This is what I had written for the paper.
“I believe you. I’m sorry that happened to you, but…” — that’s what a sexual assault victim hears from everyone who is involved in their case. That “but…” is the real problem, because that is the moment they tell you there is nothing they can do.
I have a side project going and it is pissing me off. No one ever answers you straight and the name of the game is to give as little information as humanly possible.
I'm learning. It’s amazing. I am super into this guy. I’m making him a bass and it’s going to be played on stage and that kicks ass.
I’m riding a high tonight.
Another year has passed since what you did to me that night. Another year of feeling the trauma. Another year of nightmares. Another year of flashbacks. Another year of therapy with no end in sight. Another year here in hell.
There are lores in my family about our brief time in Reno in the early 1980s. I personally don’t remember any of it. My first memory isn’t until I’m over the age of five and back in DC. My childhood memories are not sensory memories — they are documentary memories.
LawyerBoy and I had a fallout. I was really upset after writing the other day. After this weekend I thought thing had shifted. Turns out he just feels sorry for me and being around me is stressful. The one person in the world I thought I could depend on and I’m I am a chore.
I’ve had a lot on my mind the last few days. I decided to give you something light yesterday because I had been away so long. Plus I was still riding the dopamine rush from having a good weekend and didn’t want to kill the buzz. But let’s go back a few days to what I was saying about control.
If you or someone you know is going through a similar experience, remember that you are not alone. Reach out for help and support. Together, we can overcome.
