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I’m still reeling from losing my job.

I found a random cat in my house yesterday. Little gray tabby. I must have left the window open and she came in. Of course, being a cat, she did the cat thing when she saw me — panicked and hid under the bed. I just left the door open until she decided to leave. Exciting times at Casa De La Katiè.

When I see it, I see it in flashes—like someone changing the channel from one horrific moment to the next. This is all I remember of Brian 2: flashes. Flickering on and popping off.

October has been one of those months where the bizarre happens. Today is two years since the diagnosis. Last week was one year since the prostitute comment by Wolfson. It was the 300th day of surveillance. Soon we will be at the anniversary of getting the police report—that’s one year ago this week. Next week is the anniversary of when I quit my job. October has been a ride the last trip or two around the sun.

It’s been a day — good and bad. I’ll take the good with the bad as long as there’s some goddamned good. The thing I see today is that I’m learning. Maybe I’m even growing as a person.

Okay, I wasn’t sure I should do it or not ethically, but I deleted all the crazy-assed footnote posts. I’ve been debating whether I should leave them as a testament to the insane things one thinks of, or remove them because they were crazy — and also wholly inaccurate. So, I decided to take them down.

Survivor blogs and stories are public autopsies of private pain. We talk about the most personal things, logging the ups and downs of recovering from rape. It doesn’t go away. There’s a time capsule of my thoughts, feelings, and the things that have happened.

I admit when I’m wrong. Sometimes I don’t know everything. Those moments are few and far between—unless we’re discussing marriages and relationships, in which case I’m 100% wrong 100% of the time. {D} was not the footnote fairy.he did not write any policy for the State of Vermont. I simply blew something minor up in my mind and overreacted like a lunatic. 

I’m trying to figure out the moment it all fell apart in my life. My current spiral started prior to the video, prior to the diagnosis. Prior—it was all before that—when I stopped. Stopped caring. Stopped talking. Stopped doing what I love to do. Stopped taking care of myself. Stopped walking the dogs. Stopped always having music on. Stopped watching documentaries. Stopped cleaning the house. Stopped cooking dinner. Stopped—living.

Court was fine—only two attorneys showed up this time, which is practically a miracle. The case before mine was weird: the judge was bitching out some guy for being sick, like personal illness is a criminal offense now. Welcome to the American justice system.

Apparently it is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Our wonderful AG posted about it this evening and now I’m not livid, which was my first thought, but rather indifferent. Like what the fuck does awareness even mean in that context?

For a throw-away post I might have stirred up some shit yesterday. My bad. Dude, everyone of a certain age has HPV. 85% is them bet I get when I google it. That’s why it is so immensely important to have your children vaccinated. HPV causes numerous health risks to both men and women, but cervical cancer is on the upper end of things it can cause.