I have an unusual anatomy for a woman my age. I’ve had a few things happened in life that have made the anatomical structure of my genitalia unique. First and foremost, I have never given birth vaginally. The largest object that has ever been in my vagina was {D}’s fist that night. Additionally I had cervical cancer. Still being in my 20s at the time, the doctor agreed to just remove part of the cervix so the uterus and cervix would remain. I have about half a cervix.
This is a conversation between {D} and I while we were dating. We talked about a theoretical wrestling match between him and and it is for telling and ironic as well as being an excellent example of the strong personalities involved. I also happen to find it hilarious.
Trauma recovery means trauma acceptance. I have to accept what happened in my life. In doing so I need to unravel the flaming wreckage of my life, like when they piece together the plane from plane crash to see what happened. I’m staring at the pieces trying to figure out what cause the crash with the aid of my distorted gaslit black box of a memory.
Nevermind. Fuck that noise. It's what's right to keep fighting.
Part I: the pied piper
I was going to move on to the next domino which was the downfall of my life. This one involves me being a deity and a soundproof room. It’s weird. However I have something else on my mind; the concept that nobody cares and what my karmic legacy is.
In a continuation of my post from yesterday, I wanted to share the next domino that got us to where we are now. First I wanted to say I am having a really bad weekend. This friend and I got into a fight. Whatever who needs friends when you have nothing. He berated me for alway being the victim. Yeah right now that is what I fucking am. I am normally a suck it up, put a big fucking smile your fucking face and take the next step forward. If you have a heart beat and air in your lungs you can take the next step. This however has brought me to a full stop. I’m like a deer on the highway right now. I’ve never been the victim I’ve always shut it down and made a funny story. Like the first time I cussed. I punched my step dad in the face and called him a fucking bastard. I was 5. I’m so hardcore. What I leave out is the part when he had just pushed my mom and my sister out of the moving vehicle in the nation capitol beltway and pushed me out last. They would stay married for 10 years and oh yeah, that was their wedding night.
{D} spirals at night. He goes through so much pain and remorse and feelings of being unworthy of love. I would talk him through it and tell him how wonderful his life was and why he deserves to be loved and be forgiven for anything he still held guilt for. I held him real close and tell him all the wonderful things about him.
My therapist requested that I write a victim statement to {D} before our session tonight. I thought I would share.
I got a text message from my sister at 6am saying simply “I need to talk to you about mom.” I went into a full panic because my mom is 70 and in a horrifying abusive relationship with a man two decades her junior. My very first thought after I saw that text was that he had finally beaten her to death. I was a little panicked, but not emotional because frankly it is just a matter of time.
So this morning has been quite eventful in my life. My blog got a visitor from Carson City. Hola, Carson City! What do you want to know? Someone from there called my phone twice and hung up first ring. I don’t know what is happening with that. Maybe someone took notice or I’m getting arrested, who knows. I’m just glad someone noticed.
I thought about my last blog post and I think I need to explain the post apocalyptic relationship between {D} and myself. {D} called the email the apocalypse. After that point everything is referred to a post apocalyptic. We had a weird friendly but occasionally yelling but sometimes watching football and talking politics (our communal favorite pastimes). All of this via text message because neither of us wanted to say a word that would be left to memory because of legal purposes. Ahh, the joy of lawyers
Through this blog, I aim to share my thoughts, reflections, and experiences as I navigate through this challenging time. I hope that my story can resonate with others who have gone through similar situations.
If you or someone you know is going through a similar experience, remember that you are not alone. Reach out for help and support. Together, we can overcome.
