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Tonight I want to talk about the rationale for why I didn’t just walk out the door that night. It’s just something I have been thinking about. I know what I was thinking — the rationale was just poor. But I have a few other things to take care of first. Meandering is my new word. It’s better than chaotic, which is how I typically describe my writing. I’m opening with it today, so strap in and try to follow the logic train that occasionally derails and then dances like it’s on Soul Train. I’m glad I missed the 70s sometimes.

Hardworking Nevadans. That is who all your elected officials are working for.

No one wants to touch my case with a 10-foot pole. It is what it is. It’s been in front of a lot of big political names that I am aware of. God knows who else has seen it by now — and some of these names scare me a little. Not because I’m intimidated by who they are, but because I’ve learned what they’re willing to ignore when it’s politically convenient.

I have questioned why no one is or will talk to me, and I see the answer to this conundrum in the party lines. While I don’t feel my rape should be political, anything you do regarding government is always going to be political, and the small fish in the flyover wasteland like Nevada, whose only purpose is for legal vice and dumping nuclear waste. Well, now we have three purposes: lithium mines have finally opened. Here in the Wild West, our little man lawyers who want to piss with the big boys like Aaron Ford does, and others know this is a small town and I’m nobody. But I’m nobody with a loud voice and a fucking video.

So that’s the game now? The NYC shooter was suicidal — and you’re planning to frame me as a threat to Aaron Ford. Because I’m loud. Because I have a trauma history. Because I tried to kill myself. Because you think you can sell the idea that I’m “unstable” and maybe have, let’s say, a vendetta — not quite the word, but close enough — against the AG’s office.

Men like to think of themselves as protectors. They are there to protect the female of the species from harm as part of their evolutionary make up. Saving women, once referred to as the weaker sex from the likes of woolly mammoths and other men. Even when they fully believe in equality, it is still very likely they will see themselves as the protector, even though it might just be from that spider in bathroom. I spoke to a man who referred to himself as a "protector" and that being the reason he couldn't date a rape survivor, or at least a vocal rape survivor like myself.

I never really considered myself a feminist. I’m not that woman. My sister, now she worked for planned parenthood for decades and female centered non profits like domestic violence shelters. She is a feminist. Like the Birkenstock wearing, body hair is natural feminist. I grew up around women who career wise were playing against the boys in a time you didn’t do that. My grandmother was a banker for 45 years starting in the 1950s. My mom owned a commercial flooring company and could and would piss with the big boys on bids and on job sites. Now home was a different story, but, career, I grew up knowing a woman can do a “man’s job.” It would be absurd to ever think otherwise.

Wow what an interesting goddamned day it has been thus far. I got my FOIA from the Governor's Office and the Department of Human Resources. I am putting some of it here as redacted by the state. I will repeat this is how it was presented to me through a public records request. This is easily obtainable public record (if you are not me, I had to file in court for it). There are some redactions that are unexpectedly not there namely the name of the accused as well as THE FUCKING VIDEO ITSELF. Yeah, the sent out the video in a public records request. PUBLIC RECORDS, you know the public kind? Not the "indirect" kind but the public kind and it gets more interesting from there...

I was just thinking about coping mechanisms. I don’t have good coping mechanisms. They developed in necessity and fear and therefore lack basic things like logic. I default back to them as needed. They aren’t necessarily healthy or even remotely useful. They have just always been there.

A man from Las Vegas just murdered four people in New York. He had a concealed carry permit. He had red flags. He was a clear threat. But where was the State of Nevada’s surveillance apparatus then?