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I want desperately to yell at {D} right now for destroying my life, my soul, my very self. I want to scream horrible things at him and tell him exactly what he did to me and why he is such a worthless, lying piece of shit. That probably won’t help, though.

Last night’s post had a second part that changed subject pretty abruptly. That’s because I had an epiphany mid-write—about what I’ve become, and the men who’ve been involved in it.

I am deeply pondering the laws of human behavior on a number of levels. I spent the night at LawyerBoy’s last night. That was officially the first time I have slept—like, gone to sleep with and woken up with—a man since {D}. If they do stay, I don’t sleep. It’s different than, you know, waking up with someone. It feels weird the day after. But often what feels good at the moment is not best down the line. I don’t regret it per se, but I don’t think I should have done that. Arm’s length with men is where I need to stay. Getting any closer and they will hurt you.

I am once again all over the place tonight. I have a lot of things going through my head. I try to take it step by step and whatever. Y’all are used to me by now, except for new regulars. Welcome. Let’s start with the visitors, shall we? Ohhhh {D}….

The stages of this are weird. The drive I have to keep fighting and keep going. See, it wasn’t there when I sent that email. That’s something I don’t think anyone understands. I didn’t fully comprehend the gravity of the situation until after I had sent the email to report it. There were stages of understanding.

I was so ready to go with this book idea and I have a ton of it done. I’m going to print a few pretty hardbound volumes to send to some very special people. I think it might be too much for them though. Like I’ll put together a primer and get them cheaply softbound printed and send them to prosecutors all over the country. Like I’ll get it to someone who will use the information. It’s not in-depth legal research, but if you have a case of rape within the relationship it would come in handy. I don’t know.

I did really good this weekend. Me and LawyerBoy moved the furniture in my bedroom. Same walls but different angle. I didn’t watch the videos like I said I would this weekend. I wanted to. I need to. I have to. I spent much of Saturday trying to talk myself into it and reading law and psych. What was I looking for?

Had some trouble last night. I feel like I’m over-defending my sanity now. The lady doth protest too much kinda thing happening. I’ve always been like that. Like I need to prove my fucking point. It’s a drive within me to be right, I think. Anyways. I was up early reviewing some posts, and I think there are some factual points I need to make to everyone since not everyone is familiar with the idiosyncrasies of Nevada law, namely my protections under Marcy's Law. 

I’m in a foul mood today. Glad this fucking week is over. LawyerBoy is coming over this weekend to help me with some things. I am again caught up in the conundrum of whether I am crazy or not. God, I hate that word now. It has taken on so much weight and judgment since everything happened.

I’ve been asleep mostly for days. I downloaded a virus onto my computer at work, had to drag myself in but then my car battery died — and fucking LawyerBoy was too busy to come jump-start my fucking car. It’s been a week around here. Is tomorrow actually Friday?

So the hearing has been vacated and the court decided {D} is not in default. We go to trial. Also they finally told me what I said to make me a terroir. I said I would be at every campaign event. How exactly would I be at multiple events if I was planning on being dangerous? Or I was dangerously unhinged? Fuck all of this.