The Fine Line

There’s a fine line between having a healthy sex life and self-harm. Coping mechanisms we lean on, like sex, can sometimes hurt us emotionally and even physically. Where exactly is that line between emotional pleasure and emotional pain during sex?

This past week, I went back to an old coping method: having pretty indiscriminate sex. I’ve been depressed, and work was rough. At least with the sex, I’m getting up, showering, and leaving the house. At least I’m around people. At least I’m not trapped alone in my head.

I’ve noticed the men I end up with are usually as depressed as I am. Everyone has a story. Everyone has problems. Everyone has trauma. The people who engage in this kind of sex often carry a sadness with them.

Over the past few days, I’ve heard about divorces, surviving child sexual abuse, narcissistic partners, and self-esteem issues.

Sex leads to vulnerability. There’s a psychological component that goes beyond hormones. During intimacy, people let their guard down and start to talk. Men, especially, seem to open up afterward. Post-orgasm, the flood of bonding hormones makes trust and connection feel sharper.

This kind of sex becomes therapy for the truly lost and depressed. For some, it even turns into a persona. But really, it’s all about vulnerability and trying to connect—not just “penis + vagina = intercourse,” but connecting on an emotional level.

Sex is so rarely about sex. It’s never just about the orgasm. If all we wanted was release, that could be done quickly and easily alone. That’s not what it’s really about—for men or for women.

That’s why I think the cliché that men are “just in it for sex” is false. If you really listen, it’s rarely just sex. For men, it’s about connecting, being seen, feeling virile, wanted, and safe. I can’t remember the last time I slept with a stranger and didn’t hear at least one major trauma from his life before it was over.

So is using sex as a coping mechanism necessarily a bad thing? Maybe not. It’s still connecting with another human—or three, depending on the day. It’s a release of brain chemicals that, at least for a little while, push back depression and anxiety. Both men and women can get a brief respite if the experience is safe and the partner isn’t predatory. Maybe that’s the real answer: safety.

Ninety-nine percent of the time, I’ve been safe and the experience has been good. But it’s that one percent that can destroy your life, your soul, and your stability. It’s always a calculated risk