Who’s Crazy?

I find myself arguing my own sanity far too often for my own comfort. That seems to be the go to in all of this, I should be ignored because I am “crazy” or “unwell” or “unhinged” or “unstable.” I can’t be trusted because crazy people clearly make shit up. Okay let’s have a little discussion here.

Let me compare my “crazy” to that of {D}. I cry a lot and can’t get out of bed. {D} rapes women. I spend hours obsessing over research to back up my claims. {D} lies and every single person who knows him personally knows that to be the truth of his character. He is if nothing else a liar. I sought help to change my life to be better to have more control over the sadness. {D} drinks to excess daily; it has destroyed his life more than once. He blacks out and doesn’t recall what he did the night before and often times that includes some form of sexual violence. I am loud and in your face, I don’t care I am going to say what I need to say and I am going to try to convince you to see things my way through words and academic research and documentation. {D} just calls that unhinged and says it means that the video I have of me screaming and begging him to stop depicts consensual sexual acts.

I don’t think {D} could define consensual sexual activity if the definition were tattooed on his fucking forehead. That is the MOST concerning part of this whole fucking scenario, is that I don’t know if he knows he is lying or if he really believes that what he did was consensual. Because if it is the latter he continues to be extremely dangerous to society.

I’m not dangerous to society. I never have been. No one has ever claimed that because I’ve never done anything dangerous to others. I’m generally dangerous to myself. Let’s look at some characterizations of people with depression, ptsd, and compare it to a psychopath, shall we?

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

Major Depressive Disorder is a clinically defined mood disorder characterized by persistent and pervasive low mood, diminished interest or pleasure in activities (anhedonia), and significant impairment in daily functioning. Diagnostic criteria, as outlined in the DSM-5, require at least a two-week period of symptoms including depressed mood, loss of energy, sleep disturbance, appetite or weight changes, feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt, concentration difficulties, and recurrent thoughts of death or suicidal ideation. Clinically, MDD is understood as a multifactorial condition involving dysregulation across neurochemical systems (particularly serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine), stress-response abnormalities, and disruptions in cognitive processing that bias attention and interpretation toward negative information. The disorder tends to be episodic but may become chronic, and its severity ranges from mild functional impairment to profound, incapacitating depression.

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Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)

Complex PTSD is a trauma-related condition arising from prolonged, repeated, and inescapable interpersonal trauma—such as chronic abuse, captivity, or coercive control—rather than a single catastrophic event. While sharing core PTSD symptoms (intrusion, avoidance, negative alterations in cognition and mood, and hyperarousal), C-PTSD includes additional disturbances in self-organization: pervasive emotion dysregulation, persistent negative self-concept, and severe relational difficulties stemming from disrupted trust and attachment systems. Clinically, individuals with C-PTSD often exhibit dissociation, functional freeze responses, chronic shame, and a heightened sensitivity to perceived threats or abandonment. The condition reflects profound alterations in the stress response system, often with long-term changes in memory consolidation, threat detection, and autonomic regulation. Because the trauma is sustained and interpersonal, the symptoms become embedded in identity, cognitive schemas, and bodily responses, making recovery more complex than in standard PTSD presentations.

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Psychopathy

Psychopathy is a personality structure characterized by a constellation of affective, interpersonal, and behavioral features, often assessed using standardized tools such as the Hare Psychopathy Checklist–Revised (PCL-R). Clinically, psychopathy involves shallow or blunted affect, lack of empathy or remorse, superficial charm, manipulativeness, deceitfulness, impulsivity, and a chronic failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions. Individuals with psychopathic traits exhibit reduced physiological reactivity to others’ distress, diminished fear responses, and abnormalities in brain regions involved in emotion processing and moral reasoning (such as the amygdala and ventromedial prefrontal cortex). Psychopathy is distinguished from other personality disorders by its combination of emotional deficits and instrumental antisocial behavior: harm is often calculated, goal-directed, and devoid of guilt. The clinical characterization emphasizes that psychopathy is not merely “bad behavior,” but a stable, biologically influenced pattern of interpersonal exploitation and emotional detachment.

Upon reading these clinical definitions and traits. Which ones would you personally reference as dangerously unhinged? Which one causes harm to others? Which one lies? Which one is the danger to society? 

Furthermore I want to make it clear I. Am. In. Treatment. I actively take medication, engage in therapy, follow protocols to actively alter my symptoms and behavior. In short, I am fucking trying to not be crazy. I work my ass off on it. It is my focus and has been.

So don’t call me unwell or crazy or unhinged or unstable. I am trying my damndest to change the course. Insane people don’t know they are insane. They don’t try to fix it. Am I weird, yes always have been. Am I free spirited? Yeah I am I am going to march to the beat of a different drummer. I am going to do incredible things just to say I did them. I am also going to do stupid things just because I fucking can. I’m not a cookie cutter basic white bitch. Isn’t who I am or have ever been. And I don’t want to be that person. I never have. Does that make me dangerous?

{D} to his credit, is the person who hit the nail on the head with me. He told me he loved me because I was a “sex-crazed poet who refused to live within the confines of the norm.” That is who I am and who I’ve always been. I’m defiant to the point of stupidity. I am always going to question the rules. I’m never going to color within the lines. Never have and never will. That doesn’t make me crazy. That makes me an individual.

Could be worse; I could be a psychopath who camouflages himself as an upstanding member of society. Who lies with great ease. Who causes harm everywhere he goes. Who manipulates and causes pain for fun. Who watches that video and says that my screams are the part he likes.

Who’s crazy now? Who is unwell? Who is dangerously unhinged? Who?

All of this leaves one undeniable conclusion: pathology doesn’t lie in the diagnoses I carry, but in the behaviors he demonstrates. One of us seeks treatment, insight, and corrective action. The other denies, distorts, and harms. One of us works every day to understand and manage the impact of trauma inflicted by the other. The other uses trauma as a weapon. If society wants to identify who is dangerous, unstable, or unhinged, it should look not at the woman fighting to heal—but at the man who insists his violence was consensual.