What to Do?

This post is going to go in two directions. Why? Because I don’t know which direction I’m going yet, because standing still ain’t working. I have to go left or right.

So this weekend I lay in a strange man’s bed tripping balls. I could hear color and feel nothing. I was deliriously happy, watching the kaleidoscope behind my eyelids and thinking about how good feeling nothing felt. I was so happy, and I started looking forward to being dead so I didn’t have to feel anything anymore. I wondered if you still had to feel emotion and what was in your head after you died. I certainly fucking hope not.

As I started coming down and the soccer announcer on the TV (don’t trip with soccer coaches, you’ll be tripping soccer balls) started speaking English, when I could have sworn it was entirely in Spanish, I started actually thinking about life. You know how hallucinogens are.

I don’t want to be alive. That wasn’t a trip thought, that is an ongoing thought in my head for years now. Just: I don’t want to be alive. I’ve actually stopped taking my blood pressure medication, hoping I’ll just stroke out. The guy I was with is a quasi-friendish person for like a year, as we both talked about suicide and how we would do it. I said I would blow my head off outside the Regional Justice Center so they would at least have to clean up the fucking blood after what they have done to me. (Don’t worry, I don’t have access to anything to do that with, thanks for your concern, counterterrorism.)

The problem I face is that suicidal ideation does not work with the plans I have. I’ve been planning things for the future. If the future doesn’t exist, then why plan for it?

I need to come to a decision as to whether or not life is in any way worth living, and if my plans are even viable, or if it’s just some fucking flight of fancy that will fail at like everything else I’ve tried in my life.

So what is the fucking plan?

Okay, I’ll finally share. I want to start an educational nonprofit that teaches about trauma, and specifically relationship rape, to prosecutors and law enforcement and the public. 51.1% of rape victims report having been sexually assaulted by a partner. That, of the 20% of the female population that reports being sexually assaulted, means one out of every ten women you have ever met have been raped by their partner.

One in ten.

And no one is talking about it, and no one is actually prosecuting these crimes. There is very little about it in legal scholarship criminally. It’s all family law. Why family law? Because 88% don’t report until after the end of the relationship, and it affects divorces and custody the most.

So if half the rape cases the police get are relationship rape, then why don’t they understand and why can’t they secure charges? Well, the only answer I can think of is they aren’t informed. Hence my idea.

I have done my research. I have written the book I was working on. I have the academic background to support my ability to do this research work. I am, after all, a failed academic. I have looked into the idea of actually getting approved to be CLE. If I’m a nonprofit, I can turn my work into a CLE class and get it approved by the bar.

That could happen.

If it doesn’t and I fail, I’m out a shit ton of money, I am out the shit ton of time I’ve spent on this, and I’ve stayed alive for no good reason.

Time and money are fake constructs the powers that be use to control us. I am unbothered by losing those. Keeping myself alive? That one I will regret if I fail. And my fucking track record is failure. All failure. All the time. Hell, I can’t even succeed at getting my own fucking rapist charged, and it’s on video.

There is also the argument to be made that if I’m going to be dying anyways, I may as well fucking go balls to the wall and do this shit. I don’t know with what fucking money I would do it. The 501(c) is the key to everything. How the hell do I procure funds to even get that so I can make a sad attempt at securing grants and donations? What about work? I have to support myself. I doubt I can get grants to do this full time, though that would be the ultimate goal.

I know what I want to do, I just don’t know how to. I have no connections. I don’t know anyone. And on top of that, I am not together. I feel like I’m missing, or trying to skip, that step of my personal life being together, because I’m doing all this research and work and creating free online courses last week from my hoarded bed that barely has room for me in it, in my hoarded apartment that my dad pays for. My fucking car is not starting and making a weird noise when it does. And I drank a bottle of water for the first time in like a year, drinking just plain water, and suddenly physically felt better than I had in years.

If I can’t drink water on my own or clear off my bed, how the fuck could I possibly expect to succeed at running a nonprofit?

So that is where I am. I don’t know what to do. Standing still, this isn’t working. I’ve known that for a while. I need to pick a direction to go in or just let go entirely. I can’t seem to make myself let go and kill myself. I always hold on. I always fight. If I turn, I will fail. I don’t know what work I have to put in to get my personal life together. I don’t know how to do that. I can’t figure it out. I do what every therapist, etc. tells me to do, and it never starts happening. The change I need never happens.

So what do I do? If you know, tell me please.