Watching People Die

It’s been. I don’t exactly know what it’s been. But it’s been. That’s my week. Buckle up, bitches, shit is fucking about to get messy.

I will start with this morning. I was hanging at a friend’s house, and I had been fucking fucking spiraling. I think I figured a few things out. But I had the moment when I just sobbed and tried to decide if I should live or die. Like honest to God. I needed a purpose. This fucker, who I really shouldn’t call a friend, had been just tearing down every fucking thing I said. And then he would be pissed at me for fucking arguing my point. Like, I still had the idealism of the book to hold on to. A purpose in life. And he just tore it down. Like, bro, I sent it to you. You didn’t look at it. You are just talking to talk shit. But it tore me down enough that I fucking went into a sobbing moment of trying to make the decision if I wanted to live. And I did say at one point, like Jesus, I just needed to get out of my house. I would have been more stable there, fuck. Why do they always fucking have to berate you? God. What the fuck does that do for you?

I got pissed. I decided that if nothing fucking else, spite was a reason to live. I’d be letting motherfuckers off too damn easy if I died. I can’t let these motherfuckers win.

It then dawned on me I am a horrible fucking judge of character. I see good in people. I ignore the bad. I only see the good. I am stupid enough to believe that people have good intentions. That is not the case, and it dawns on me that every fucking last one of you fucking people have had a hand in destroying me.

I’ve been here, I have poured my heart out, and I hoped I have changed people and perceptions, but that’s not happening here. You all have actually, like literally, sat here and watched as I die. How the fuck do you live with yourselves? How do you face yourselves, knowing and watching someone just slowly slipping away? How do you not reach out a hand to a drowning person? I remember when I saved that guy’s life in the alley behind the wedding chapel. Everyone fucking thought I was nuts. And they were like, “Oh my God, why would you do that?” “Why’d you touch him?” “He could have had drugs on him.”

I’m sorry? I was apparently supposed to just watch him die, I guess? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Everyone thinks I’m crazy and whatever. I think you’re the truly crazy ones. Who the fuck can just sit there and watch? I’m okay with crazy if it means I am not going to be idle when others are in need. I have a slightly bizarre but deep moral compass. I do the right fucking thing. I will give someone the shirt off my back or my last dollar. I will hug someone just to make sure they feel safe and, even for just a brief moment, like they’re not alone. I do things fairly. I put others before me, which in a world like this means that no one does that for me. Just fucking do what’s right. Stand the fuck up for people. Show up. Encourage. Do things just for the sake of seeing someone smile. That is who I am. I’m rough around the edges, I cuss too much, I can be truly vicious if you have pushed me to that point. But I don’t question that I have lived my life in service to others and in a manner that I can say, for the most part, I’m proud of.

This brings me to consequence. I personally don’t have consequences. That’s your mind fucking with you. Thus, my actions carry no consequence. What the fuck could anyone do to me that hasn’t been done? What can you take that hasn’t been taken? Fuck you. Seriously, I can fucking do what the fuck ever I want. What is the fucking worst that could happen? I die? I end up in prison? I’m already in prison. You got not a fucking thing on me. Go back to being the scared little bitches you are.

{D}, I don’t know what her next move is. She didn’t understand EB5. She fucked up some of the discovery. Like, the sending the same email to your family? What? That one isn’t right. The exact word on text? Why would I try to deny something said in writing? It is so fucking illogical. And the body position ones, they—you didn’t watch the videos first.

And her EB5 arguments, like she legit said that neither one of us held EB5 visas. You don’t say. And I had put together resources to unspool the whole thing. I think I’m going this below. Whatever you’re paying her, pay her less. But I highly recommend you talk to your attorney and kinda let her know what I know, and you don’t even know what else I know now. That was just fucking lazy.

Jesus. I have no respect for either one of you.

Speaking of either one of those two, {A}, I have fucking tried with your sorry ass. Here at midnight again, I see. Do I have to repeat myself? Is it necessary? Why do you feel the need to be here? What makes you so fucking self-centered that you would balance your goddamn insecurities on a rape victim he abandoned and tossed out like garbage? Like, fucking good for you. Can you just fucking go away? I didn’t do a fucking thing to you. You pull some shit with me. I fucking didn’t. Just me existing, what fucking threat am I to you? Do you just enjoy watching me fucking suffer? Why are you all such bad people?

And moving on, Todd, you I’ve been joking around. I had this stupid thought that maybe you cared. You’ve never cared. You guys are all so scared. What the actual fuck is Scott fucking Kipper doing creeping my Facebook? Rats in suits. I was going to let shit go, but I obviously have something on you guys. You guys did fuck up, but y’all too scared. I do have some power remaining with you. Fuck it. I’ll file it next week. What do I have to lose?

Demon Spawn, you have successfully helped the attorney general of the State of Nevada erase every public record of what happened to me. I can never go to the press because if they pull public records on your fucking monster of a serial rapist father, they’re just going to get a piece of paper lying about me. He fucking told me you were a psychopath. I hoped. Why the fuck are you here? Sorry daddy is a rapist. But you’re not as tough as he said you were. My kid watched that video. And let me explain. Seeing your dad fully clothed hurting some random ain’t got nothing on seeing your mommy being hurt like that. Those are different beasts. I told your fucking dad you’re not that tough. I wanted you and my {Z} in a fucking cage match, because shit. I guess you get that from your dad too. Thinking you’re a badass and not being able to back it up.

And Lisa, don’t fucking start with me. Fucking white people.

I hope every fucking one of you get what you deserve in life. You cover for him, you support him. You fucking lie for him. You fucking, Todd, you fucking make sure it’s all covered up before you even fucking consider me. Y’all left me for days unprotected. Days because fucking what? Oh no, might look bad.

Y’all motherfuckers, and have Scott come in on this one, y’all motherfuckers hire a man who is under fucking investigation for a major financial scandal. Apparently don’t fucking notice when he takes vacation time to go commit perjury. Watch him at conferences get fucking wasted. There is a picture floating around on the internet with the now insurance commissioner at this speaking engagement and {D}, that fucking drunk wasted motherfucker. He shows up to work drunk. You guys help him get a woman banned from the goddamn state office. He then rapes a woman, you don’t fucking bother showing a damn bit of concern for her, just concern for how it’s going to make you look. You fuckers let him stay in that fucking office where he is actively threatening me and intimidating employees, I hear. My understanding is you guys were fielding complaints from terrified women in your office for a fucking week before you got his ass out of there. You fucking gave him a free week of terrorizing women. Your employees. For what? What did you gain? Who the fuck do you people serve? Have you no morals?

All of you, all of you. All you do is help him get away with shit.

And let me tell you all the God’s fucking honest truth. All of you are killing him. You’re not fucking helping him. Nobody has fucking gotten him help. Like Demon Spawn, I fucking bet if you put sanctions on him and put your foot down and said no contact unless you go to therapy once a week, I bet he would do it for you. I bet he would.

The drinking, fuck me, I don’t know how to make that happen. Sorry, kid, I’m not sure he loves that that much. All of you have power. All of you could have changed an outcome. All of you claim you fucking love him, but sitting there and watching someone slowly die? That ain’t love. Fucking do something already. Like, when the fuck is the next cycle going to start of {D}’s fuck up followed by everyone cleaning up after him? I mean, has it already started?

I hate all of you.

Do your fucking job.