It is the one year apocaversary. My what a year it has been. I spent the Sunday with a friend, {C}. He and I had a bit of a falling out several months ago. He apologized to me for it and spent the weekend explaining why I deserve so much better than {D} and others. Still not sure I believe him, but it felt really good to have someone say nice things about me. I do deserve better.
I’ve been trying to date to no avail at this point. {S} has fallen off the face of the planet which really pisses me off because I custom built a bass guitar for him and he won’t respond to me so I can give it to him. Like what the fuck bro. It’s always the fucking bass player, right?
Then there is my alcoholic Turkish architect with a motorcycle and a neck tattoo, {E} who despite going with me to see Peter Frampton last weekend, has a girlfriend and I had to explain on the word obfuscate to him in two languages. Haven’t heard back after that. It’s for the best I’ve always referred to him as {D} 2.0. He tells me it’s complicated but I make him feel something. Yeah that is just you thinking with your dick, babe.
NEXT!
But I will give {E} credit, he was way better behaved than the last person I was at the Palms venue with who was incoherent, stumbling, and lost his phone then threatened to puke on me then told me in no uncertain terms that he “WAS the sweet motherfucking baby Jesus.” Before I carried him up to his condo so he could freak out and leave early the next morning to get a new phone so his other girlfriend could get a hold of him. He then forgot to turn the read receipts off on his texts and I didn’t tell him for a month and somehow he turned me directly calling out a lie back on me. Like it was my fault.
{C} was right, I do deserve better and I can do better. I need to remind myself who the fuck I am. This last year and the isolation has been grueling. I need to get out more. My roommate keeps telling me that. But he is a homeless dude who is living on my couch so not sure I should trust his judgement.
I just want someone I can have an intellectual conversation with who willingly puts up with my crazy. I think being boyfriend-less for a year was good for me. Taught me a lot of self reliance. It didn’t feel good and I would have given anything to have had a life partner through what turned out to be the darkest days of my entire life. In hindsight that’s what I thought {D} was. He was just using me, lying to me, and controlling me because he could. I didn’t need him. I never did. I was so blinded by love but love is not something someone professes to you while you scream and beg them to stop. That is the opposite of love, actually. Like the exact opposite.
The thing about rape when you’re connected in someway to the person who is raping you is the feelings. The professions of love. It’s the same thing pedophiles do to children, they groom and they teach you that what they are doing to you is actually what love feels like. You’re left thinking and believing that harm is in fact love. If you go through that as a child, you as so susceptible to it as an adult because it feels right. You don’t question it the way you should.
This has been a hard few weeks to get through. I’m shocked at how well I am handling it. It’s been rough, not going to lie, but I’m proud of myself. I chose healthy ways to prevent myself from spiraling out of control. I kept myself busy by suing everyone. I’m being productive instead of just shutting down. I did well. Was I perfect? No. Tears were shed and curse words were spewn, but I kept it together. I left the house. I started a new guitar. I reconnected and forgave and bid farewell to bad rubbish. And not a single prosecutor was chased down a hallway.
I will on a happy note say that unfortunately I was not able to get {D} served with the lawsuit, so, I have to do a public notice in a Vermont paper. In trying to get him served, I found out the license plate of that used fucking E Class he drives. KTM… he literally has my fucking name on his car. M was my maiden name. I went to Catholic school I was one of 4 Katie’s. I have been KTM always with the M at the end my whole life. People still add the M that I went to school with. And he has to drive around with my name on his car. Thanks Vermont DMV! Vermont is still my favorite fucking place. I hope to visit Vermont again soon for his disbarment hearing.
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