Why I keep screaming

I am obnoxious. I truly am. I am your stereotypical Loud mouth, east coast shit talking, Irish temper, fuck you or fight you girl. I grew up on construction sites. I am unrefined, opinionated, bossy, pushy, defiant, and a complete non conformist who is always 100% behind sticking it to “the man.”

I say all this because I do want to make it clear, I’m not a lunatic. I am “crazy” in that I have depression and ptsd, but I’m not howling at the moon, aliens stole JFK’s dick and put in vaccines, delusional. I’m just actually just like this. Welcome to my personality. I’m that guy.

All this shit that is happening is, you know, happening. I have posted the proof of it thus far. Can’t wait what else I end up with after maybe I get some FOIA. I’m just being really fucking loud about it. I’m a really loud person. I can’t even whisper, it’s crazy.

Words have always been my weapon of choice. I write to keep it controlled because when I’m speaking fuck only knows what is going to come out of my mouth. I write it to keep it contained. Sometimes I go over the top for effect, like the ‘Wolfy Doe Eyes and Guido the Enforcer’ blog post. That is what was going through my head at the time. Irish fucking temper. Profanity spewing. I wasn’t necessarily behaving like that, maybe I was god only knows with me. I trying to be chill, how’s that for an answer.

So I want to make clear my position here and what has happened with the goddamn state and why I am angry and sarcastic and trolling the powers that be.

I am putting it all down here for the first time really chronologically I think so I don’t know if I ever made the week of the 5th-16th of July 2024 clear and properly ordered. You have read my blog I’m all over the place. I have the {D} shit between him and I personally what was happening there which was two fold, the cheating and the rape so I was double texting. I would text about the rape then yell about the cheating. Then reverse the order and do it again. But at the same time I have the apocalyptic email and what happened with the state that week too.

July 5th email goes out for reason I’ve stated and you should know what I did.

That’s day {D} immediately started threatening me with “revenge porn” charges. I am so fucking lucky. It never crossed my mind. If he was not wearing clothes in that video, I would be a goddamn felon. I got lucky and did not plan that shit. I wasn’t even aware it was a felony. So I got like really scared when {D} told me that and kept threatening me with “someone” charging me. It wouldn’t come from him, he said. I really thought I fucked up badly.

In hindsight, I will defend the email. It was appropriate as a complaint about his ethics and suitability to serve in an appointed post. You are held to a higher standard. And his alcohol use did directly relate to his job and the fact he was drunk at work every morning from the night before. The video lent credibility to the complaint as I had proof of one of the many allegations I made. If he worked for a company, absolutely not. That is not okay, but as a state official, 100%. I did try the commissioner first. Three times of it bouncing back, so then the next one was the known union rep because I thought I had been blocked and I knew a union rep would not let that go unseen.

And this is not to say I wasn’t completely out of my fucking mind at that moment. Like I was scaring me at that point in time. I was in contact with {D} the whole time. I was telling him what I was doing.

This went on all weekend and Monday. Monday he is telling me that no one has said a word to him about it and nothing was happening, no one even looked at him funny. So I was seriously thinking it didn’t go through and I was apologizing to {D} about it because it was reactionary. It was not planned and mapped out, it just kind of came to me to do and I did it with logic, but not rational thought if that makes sense. I will defend it today it was an appropriate course of action if I wasn’t going to the police. Period.

Now Tuesday the 9th rolls around and my child is on a plane coming to Vegas and the cops call me and I immediately believe I am getting arrested and I can’t handle it. I have panic attacks around cops I don’t like being around any one in uniform after what happened with Metro with Brian 2. I don’t do cops. Period.

I refused to come in. Now also that weekend I went right back to the drugs and I was high as fuck. I was not going to that interview. They talked me into and promised me I wasn’t being arrested. They also made arraignments to make me more comfortable because I’m afraid of cops so they cleared the office for me and put the table by the door so I could run away.

That fucking interview. First I think I’m in trouble, second I had had to get way higher to go in the first damn place and I’m like these are cops they know I’m high and I’m fucking rambling. And just things were not clicking yet in my mind. Like yeah he raped me but it wasn’t really like a person he raped it was just me. No one will care. Well, they did and I believed them, but I told them repeatedly that no one was going to believe me so it didn’t really matter.

I left that meeting with a glimmer of thought in my mind that he could be arrested or charged, it was rape per the technical definition but it went over my head that someone could really rape me, like legally. That sounds so stupid, but that is what I was thinking.

The rest of the week rolls past {D} and I are still arguing and he is still saying no one had said a word to him at work. So I really thought it was over. I thought they just had to do an inverview because I sent it. Compulsory follow up.

This is where shit goes sideways with me and the state.

They called me and told me that he was being arrested on Friday. At same moment like exact same moment I have her on speaker phone an I’m looking a text of {D} telling me he was just escorted out of his office by capitol police and they were searching his car.

I went with a stupid question first to victim’s advocate and said “oh my god! What are the charges?!?!” There is a such thing as a dumb question.

I asked a pretty logical question of the woman on the phone next, which was, “wait, if he is under arrest, why does he still have his phone?” And she tells me it was imminent and we hang up the call and {D} is still texting me.

Now this is also the day my Dad flew in for a pre scheduled visit. I’ve got my son, LP and my daughter Z’s house because {D} has a gun he is probably really pissed at me and had threatened me with murder suicide before. So we were thinking he was going to go ahead and kill me and himself because nothing left to lose kinda vibe happening here. It was chaos pure chaos and I’m sitting here at dinner with my dad and {D} is texting me about the pre penalty if he has to pull from his IRA because he got fired. Surreal is a good word for that weekend.

Sunday, I finally told {D} I had spoken to the police and interviewed me on Tuesday. I tell him to contact his family. He doesn’t he contacts his attorney and see the ‘who you know and who blow’ post for details on that one.

I talk to the police Monday and the victim’s advocate tells me, it’s still happening but there was a jurisdictional issue. But it’s still happening. Okay so I’m still holding my breath.

The next day, I contacted {D}’s family and told them because he hadn’t called them yet. And we both thought he was getting arrested. I shouldn’t have done that and there is more to that too but I’ll go into it later or see the post ‘family ties.’

Then I get the call from the police. The victims advocate said they declined charges. And I was confused. What the hell just happened? I had days of being told he was being arrested and now they’re just not. Okay. What the fuck?

And then the case is just done. No more investigation just it’s over. Like you believed me and you told me you were arresting him and now just there is nothing that can be done? Why did you tell me you were arresting him? And she was like “whoops I made a mistake.”

You made a motherfucking mistake by telling me you believed me and he was being arrested imminently based off of what fucking information? And that is a simple whoopsies?

Do you see why I’m pissed?

So I fire off an email about how they convinced me to come into that interview I called the police names and ended the email with “fuck the police.”

I don’t recall the order this went in but I think I talked to Doe Eyes before I sent that email. And I was screaming “it’s on video!” See I needed that to be in writing because I couldn’t control myself. I should have had a proxy talk to her but everything was just happening. I couldn’t handle it. All I remember is her saying that she believed me but they couldn’t argue the case and it did not make sense to me. It still doesn’t make any sense to me.

Then the cops respond to the email by asking to search my phone because I had included screen shots of texts with a few people. I damn near gave them my phone but I couldn’t do it. Nothing illegal just sensitive to people who could be affected but were in no way involved. But I found video 4.

I remember watching it. The first 17 minutes are pathetic. I told {D} that at least he would be embarrassed if this one came out. Then I start to see it. {D} directing {M} telling he to keep going even though I’m saying stop because it started hurting at that point because my vagina was so damaged from the fisting. I went back into that moment and the gravity of that night became crystal fucking clear to me. I could see it in first person and third person and it was bad. It didn’t just look bad like I thought, it was actually bad. It was bad. It was really bad. Holy shit.

So I tried to give the video to the cops wha have already completely failed me at this point and he won’t even listen.

So me yelling and no one listening or responding or giving me an acceptable response when I just want to know why. That’s been my last year of my life.

Was it my fault? That’s my question. It has been the whole time. Now the more I understand sexual assault, the more I am like this is a winnable case, it was rape, charge both of them. But the question is whether it was my fault or not.

That’s why I yell and scream and fight and file lawsuits and troll. Someone has to tell me whether it was my fault he wasn’t charged. I do question my cronyism theory and wonder if it was me who kept him from being charged. This is why I can’t let go. I need someone to logic through this with me because I don’t understand. Like someone has to be able to explain it to me lol I’m 5. I’m a realist like if it’s because I shouldn’t have been in a hotel with three men tell me that explicitly. Just explain it. Being ignored has been I don’t even have a word for it. I’m voiceless.

It is exactly like that night. I am screaming and everyone can hear me, but I can’t get their attention. No one can hear me scream. They just don’t react and I’m laying it bare I’m telling them how much it hurts. And I’m going through different tactics to make them pay attention. And no one hears me and no one is here to support me. I’m just supposed to let it go.

And I can’t.

I won’t.

Someone has to hear me screaming and make it stop. They have to.