Sharpie burns

So apparently, I am now the proud owner of a new beauty hack: the Dollar Store Sharpie cat-eye. I didn’t mean to invent it, but here we are.

Here’s how it happened: I got ready for my date, went to do a quick eyeliner touch-up, and grabbed the wrong pen off my desk. To be fair, I order half my life off Temu, and both the eyeliner and the Sharpie are in Chinese. Same shape, same size, both black, both with writing I can’t read. One is for Zoom call emergencies, the other is for marking things permanently. Guess which one I picked?

I’ll give myself credit: it looked amazing. Like “walk straight out of a beauty tutorial” amazing. I strutted into dinner like I’d invented an edgy new makeup trend. My date didn’t even blink. Meanwhile, my eyelids were slowly dissolving into flames.

By the time I got home, the Sharpie had won. My face said “sultry film noir,” but my eyeballs said “help desk ticket to OSHA.”

My Reviews of Sharpie Eyeliner™

⭐☆☆☆☆ “Great pigment, but not recommended unless your skincare routine includes industrial-strength paint thinner.”

⭐⭐☆☆☆ “Lasted longer than my last relationship. Still can’t blink.”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “As permanent as Dave getting fired from two different state governments. Wash it off? Not a chance.”

And then there’s Aaron Ford. If he were running Sephora, half the makeup aisle would be labeled ‘not my jurisdiction’ and the other half would be locked in the back because he refuses to review the evidence. My Sharpie eyeliner may burn, but at least it shows up when you look for it.