Spending money I don’t have

I’m having a mostly good day except for the ear infection. They finalized the job and I start on the 29th. I’m pretty excited. I’ll be making more money, which I need, so that’s good.

Speaking of money, I was thinking about what or how much the judge would award in this case on a default judgement. I’m playing a little make believe. What I could get and how I would spend it. I know they won’t give me much because I didn’t ask. I am doing this on principle, so it shouldn’t matter. But in a couple ways it does.

Ketamine therapy is supposed to be life changing for people with major depressive disorder, anxiety, and PTSD. This is supposed to be the cure for people like me. Not a fight, not symptom management, but a motherfucking cure. It is so goddamn expensive and insurance doesn’t cover it even though it’s FDA approved. Doing it the right way, when I talked to the doctor, it was 15–20k, but I would be cured. I could potentially have a normal life.

Cured.

I will, should they award enough and should I actually be able to collect upon it, get the ketamine therapy. God, I’m actually very excited about that.

I was thinking of other things too. Like a down payment on a house—well, condo. I will never be able to afford a house. That’s life-changing for me. I got an education for a career I couldn’t do because I got sick. I am technically, literally disabled. I will never in my life make enough money to own a home. It just will never happen.

I got fucked in my divorces because I didn’t ask for anything. I traded sole custody of the kids in lieu of alimony and assets. Then he took joint and slightly over 50% custody, so I had to pay him child support. So I got nothing. And Brian 2—he divorced in 3 days when I was suicidal, and I just signed the paperwork. So I got to keep my car, and that was it.

So now I’m disabled, and the time I should have been saving, the Brians took it. And I’ve been playing catch up just to make ends meet since. I literally went from a 5-bedroom home to living in my Camry—which, thank Christ, I paid cash for. A home of my own? That would be huge for me. Home ownership would change my life and my outcome.

The last thing I would get, in fantasyland here, is breast implants. I know that sounds shallow, but it’s related. I’ve always had self-image issues. And my breasts are one of the key things that bothers me. They’re just weird. LawyerBoy told me they were ugly and too small. {D} told me I had the greatest tits. Like he was fucking giddy over my boobs on our first date. I will never in my life forget it.

So changing them with his money—that is a fuck you I can get behind. Plus, it would improve my self-esteem greatly, thus technically being a treatment for depression.

So that’s what I would use any money I was awarded on. I don’t know if it’s a list that excites anyone else, but god, ketamine and a home would be colossal in my world.

I don’t expect anything, so don’t get me wrong. I’m just hoping for enough to cover the court costs for the public records suits. I’m living in fantasyland tonight and I know it. But god, it would be amazing if it happened.