Learning to trust myself

I really was right about the new job. I’m not thinking about the rape and the legal cases as much. I don’t have time to obsess over everything when I’m engaged at work. We’ll see how it goes when I start working from home though. It can get quiet at times at work.

But I passed my final onboarding test today. I only got an 86%, but it’s still easily passing regardless. Usually, it takes four weeks of training—I did it in six days. I’m just mad at myself for not breaking 90. I usually test better than that, but sometimes it’s how tests are written. Yes, I’m blaming the test. Word of the day is “probate.”

Other than that, I have weekend plans coming up. I’m going out with {D2} and LawyerBoy, just haven’t decided which is Friday and which is Saturday. {D2} told me he was inviting me to that party the other weekend—it wasn’t an accident. I just responded weirdly and, of course, told him I hated all men and to shove the light and love up his ass. This apparently endeared me to him in some way.

That always seems to be the case. Once I yell at them for being assholes, those alcoholic assholes always want me. Case in point: {D}. I call it the epic text—it translates to several full pages, single-spaced. I called him an overgrown frat boy and a used E-Class-driving son of a bitch and explained to him the exact reasons he needed a woman to take care of him. I told him his dick would stop working soon. Next thing you know, he has me spend the night with him. Then the night of the video happens, and he tells me he loves me while raping me. Because that shit doesn’t indicate some kind of psychopathy. I will, of course, not be putting up with any of that this weekend.

At this point, if something like that happened again, I would throw down. I think—hope, I suppose—that I wouldn’t accept it like I did before. Looking back, I’m not sure why I accepted it in the first place, but I mean, I do know why—it’s trauma and just being used to being ignored. I hope I wouldn’t do that again. I really hope that. But I can’t be sure until I am put in the situation, which I hope never happens.

I still think back to my big girl voice and that decision with Tim to not just be quiet and do what I’m told. I watch the video, and it takes seconds for me to start saying no. I yell, and then there are a few moments of silence. Those moments, when I remember them from my perspective that night, were minutes. I was processing whether or not to say no and what the reaction would be. I could have sworn it was longer in my memory because all of the thoughts and the analysis of possible reactions compared to the amount of pain I was in took a lot of thinking on my part.

I didn’t just go, “It hurts, stop.” I had this whole thought process:

1. Okay, it hurts and I don’t like this.
2. Can I take it?
3. No.
4. Okay, if I say no, what will happen?
5. They’ll stop. These are people I know and trust. It will be okay.

Only after that did I say out loud, “No,” “Please stop,” and try to roll out of it.

The confusion began when they didn’t stop and no one intervened. Then I thought I must just be overreacting. That’s what I told myself—I was overreacting. Why? Because everyone tells me I am overreacting to things. Brian 2 trained me not to trust my own reactions.

So, I will never be sure, unless, God forbid, I am in a similar situation, what my reaction will be. I hope I’ve learned. I hope the years now of therapy have been effective. I hope if I had to do it all over again, I would have taken a swing, gotten the hell out of there, and gone straight to the hospital and reported it. I still don’t know if that’s true or if, in the moment, I would defer back to my training in life.

I really don’t know, but I hope I would come out swinging. That’s important to me. I need to trust myself. I need to trust my big girl voice.

That is whole thing, I'm still learning to trust myself. I can trust myself taking a test, but I'm not sure if I have learned to trust myself to fight enough to stop myself from being raped. But probate I understand apparently and that's good enough for today.