Don’t get comfortable

I didn’t do anything today that I had planned on. LawyerBoy and I didn’t go through the videos and no moving of furniture was done. I didn’t see him until late this evening. Why? Because I make bad decisions.

I went to watch a game with {D2}. We finally met after months of talking. He was obnoxious. Loud. Has four DUIs and went to jail last year for domestic violence. I sure know how to pick ’em. Oh, and he’s a former cop. Fuck the police, but I don’t fuck the police.

This left me feeling down, so I asked LawyerBoy to come over. He did. He was worried about me. I had told him I needed someone to fuck for validation. He said he came over to support and not fuck. If that makes sense to anyone other than me.

We talked for a couple hours. We cuddled. We fucked.

Then we laid in bed and he held me. I haven’t had that in so long. It felt so good.

So now I need to walk away and stop depending on him because he isn’t interested in me. And he is going to walk away at some point. He’s never going to love me. I need to protect myself. I’ve been abandoned too many times by too many people. I know in this case it will happen at some point. I need to not get comfortable.

You know when you’re in a job interview—you sit up straight at the edge of the chair, trying to stay perfect, and it’s uncomfortable. You don’t lean back into the chair. Or at least I don’t. In this case, I have to stay perched at the edge. Never get comfortable.

It’s fucked up what abandonment does to you. I lost everyone. My friends. My family. My kids. They all just abandoned me when everything went down, and I’ve been treading water since as the sole survivor of my disastrous life.

I can’t trust that someone will be there or listen or hear me when I scream. I can’t trust anyone. I can’t believe anything anyone says to me. The only thing I can trust is the sun will come up eventually, but you gotta make it through the darkness alone. I am getting good at seeing the darkest nights into the next day. Pushing forward. One foot in front of the other.

I push myself to get out of bed. I push myself to take a shower. I push myself to just survive.

Because no one else is ever going to be there to push me.

I have to do it myself.