In need of adult supervision. Inquire within.

Things are off today. I filed a bunch of answers to answers, and I don’t know what I’m doing or if I did it right. This is why the disbarment thing upsets me so much. I don’t want to do this on my own.

I am going up against a lawyer with an attorney. I am not an attorney. I am a researcher and a writer, but not a legal writer. I have studied court cases and I know how to read them, so I can mimic the style, kind of. But I am far from a legal scholar.

I also don’t know that what I think is important is actually the most important from a legal standpoint. Emotion gets in the way of the logic. What if something I think is insignificant is the key to the entire case and the outcome?

Personal attacks seem to be par for the course in legal filings, according to {D}’s cunt of an attorney. Defending yourself personally is difficult. It’s more difficult for me because I’m recovering from gaslighting. I have been told over and over that I’m crazy by men who were lying to me. It hits home when someone calls you crazy while you’re trying to learn to accept your own emotions and logic as reality after someone else hijacked your reality and made you live in theirs.

But again, the psychological harm is what I’m suing for damages from, so calling me crazy just supports my argument and doesn’t defend against it. I have made myself look bad at times when I was really in it. I know that—but that is just the proof of the harm done.

I do a lot of second-guessing. I’m trusting ChatGPT, but what if it’s wrong? What if my ChatGPT is a drama queen? What if it’s giving me the wrong information?

I’d love to see a professional attorney adjudicate this case. I need to see it adjudicated. It’s a healing thing, I think. I don’t know what the drive is, but I want there to be an official answer to this. Not being told why it can’t be tried—or understanding why—is my biggest issue. It’s still one of my mantras: it’s on video.

I will say I got a little boost of self-esteem at the last hearing because the judge said something about asking whoever helped me write the complaint. No one helped, but for the judge to think I had help from a real attorney was a confidence booster.

I don’t know. I just want someone else handling this case. I don’t think disbarment dude quite grasped the idea that I have to go through depositions and discovery and everything else by myself. He said it would be taxing on me if there was a hearing panel. It would be a relief to just be able to show up and testify instead of having to argue the case myself.

I really wish I had a grown-up in the room right now. I’m practicing law unsupervised, and this shouldn’t be allowed. I gotta do what I gotta do. But damn, I wish I didn’t have to do it.

And honestly, at this point, I’m just putting one foot in front of the other. It’s not poetic or inspiring—it’s just what has to happen until something finally gives.