I am once again all over the place tonight. I have a lot of things going through my head. I try to take it step by step and whatever. Y’all are used to me by now, except for new regulars. Welcome. Let’s start with the visitors, shall we? Ohhhh {D}….
So {D}, I have to say I am always so happy to be right. The way you are just scrolling through. It’s not indifference. I am hitting the nail on the head every time I call your ass out, and you are so scared of it you are speed-scrolling, trying to see what I’m talking about without stopping so I won’t be able to read what you’re doing. I bet it's killing I can still read you. You always hated that shit. Who has control now, motherfuck?
Two things. One, you know how much I love being right. Thank you for that. Two, why are you even bothering? Can’t you just get the skinny from your girlfriend or kid or ex-wife or ex-girlfriend and whomever the hell else is on here? She reads everything. Do you guys just not talk about it? Interesting living in denial you have going there. What a weird dynamic. Fascinating. Truly.
Also pinging from another state building? Hmmm. Call your cunt of a lawyer so she can accuse me of stalking you again because you visit my website. Who is stalking who?
Moving on…
So I had another visitor from Carson City. You know, the people that made me start watching my analytics in the first place. Carson motherfucking City. I actually lost my surveillance after their unfortunate visit to the site they made while at an intelligence conference, which is so fucking ironic. They may have figured out a way around it. Or they’re gone for good. Should I still send flowers for our anniversary?
This was a new Carson City. The rest of them know better, so I don’t know. It weirdly got my hopes up that they were going to do something about charging him. That is stupid and won’t happen — at least not under Ford. But at least I’m not concerned about it.
Second topic.
I’m reading all of these academic journal articles (I'll explain tomorrow). I can’t help but think of what {D} said to me that night. I had told him about what had happened with Brian 2. Now, that wasn’t something I talked about to anyone really. It was a matter of me not wanting to be disbelieved. It was everyone blowing it off and saying that the sexual abuse in that marriage was not a real kind of thing. It wasn’t what I thought it was, and I was crazy for thinking it was. But it was.
Coercion is recognized. I might not have been in fear for my physical safety per se, but I didn’t have a say in the matter. I didn’t have a choice.
{D} said to me once, “Ropes are Kabuki. I have control of you. I don’t need ropes.” And that is probably the truest statement he ever made. Brian 2 had the same control, if not at a higher level.
But what {D} said to me after I told him I had been locked in my house and forced into sex several times a day for years was, “You just told me that to turn me on.” I will never forget the feeling of my stomach dropping or the look in his flat gray eyes. I told him that because after six years, I trusted him. That’s what predators do.
That was probably the nail in my coffin that night — him realizing that I was trained prey for him. {M} told me that night he said to {D}, “Man, red flags everywhere with that one.” And {D} said, “I like the red flags.”
That’s the part people miss. This isn’t about ropes or bruises or some Hollywood version of violence. It’s about control that doesn’t need force, predators who recognize conditioning, and systems that still struggle to name it when it happens inside relationships. You can scroll, monitor, deny, and pretend. But control doesn’t disappear just because you refuse to look at it. {D} you don't get to control me any more.
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