A Christmas Connection

It’s Christmas Eve. It’s cold. It’s raining. I was supposed to be at LawyerBoy’s an hour ago, but I’ll leave after I’m done with this.

The guy from yesterday’s post—well, we spent all day talking. Instant connection. We had the hard conversations about trauma in life. He told me that no lawyer would ever take my case and to just give up now, which I strangely appreciate. I like being told the unfiltered truth about shit. He hasn’t looked at the site yet. I don’t know if he will.

I scared him off because that is how I roll. But he is also totally the same in every aspect as {D}, including but not limited to disbarment. He was one of the big billboard attorneys.

Anyways, I don’t know if I connected to him because he is Twin {D} or what. The deeper we dove, the more alike they were. So back to the pathology of my taste in men. Like, I don’t get it. {D} is a horrible human being. That man was horrible to me. You couldn’t pay me enough to take him back if he crawled on his knees through broken glass the 3,000 miles apart we are. So why am I so attracted to someone just like him?

Like, right—this guy has done nothing to harm me or anything like that. So would I be projecting on him if I didn’t see him, or would I be not seeing patterns of potential behavior if I did see him? Can I base one person on another? That shit doesn’t seem fair, but I also date a lot of psychopaths.

I mean, let’s look at the similarities. Both very smart. Quippy. Speaks the way I do—that profanity mixed with education that so many people hate. Same height, body type, interests. Sexually open and clearly experienced, which I do look for. So is this bad and indicative of this being the beginning of a bad and ultimately destructive relationship, or do I just have a type of person I get along with? You kind of need to have a different type of personality with me to appreciate—we'll, call it that—me as a person. I don’t play well with normal, sane people.

He is also miserable, and we connected there as well. I am drawn to other depressed people. They get it. There’s stuff you can say to a person with severe depression that someone who isn’t depressed and hasn’t gone through it would not understand and would potentially freak out over.

I don’t know. I scared him off, so it really doesn’t matter, and I’m psychoanalyzing the whole thing just like Monday morning film. What worked? What didn’t work? Where do I need to see the red flags? Is it just the St. Katie thing where I’m trying to save someone else instead of myself? Or am I trying to save someone with the same problems as I have because I can’t save myself and should focus my energy on that? But I’ve spent a year and a half trying to save myself to no avail, so maybe it’s time to stop trying and start living life.

I don’t fucking know. There is also the possibility that I’m overthinking and I might have had a real connection with a human. Did he remind me of {D}, or did he remind me of me?

Trial attorneys are a certain way. It takes smarts and balls to do what they do. It really does. I’m pretty smart and ballsy myself. But is it just that big dick energy? Same with the bike. You have to be a bit ballsy to get on one of those death traps—that’s part of the appeal. Freedom and danger. It’s representative. I’m seeing that I like people like that in general, and I can’t really compare or base one person off another.

I don’t know. I need to stop thinking about it.

I’m going to get ready to go to LawyerBoy’s for a couple days and drink till I can’t stand up. Merry Christmas to me. This year, I choose liquor.

Merry Christmas. {D}, I hope you have a horrible Christmas and that you spiral so hard tonight and think about the horrendous things you have done to people. I hope you have nightmares. You deserve that for Christmas. You deserve it. Be as hard as you need to be on yourself. It’s not hard enough when you are.

For now, that’s enough thinking. Tonight doesn’t need answers or insight or growth arcs. Tonight just needs movement—out the door, into the rain, into something that isn’t this spiral. Tomorrow can deal with patterns and meaning. Tonight, I’m just getting through Christmas Eve.