What is Love?

Okay so the videos are not going over well. You are readers, not viewers. That experiment is over. I tried. I don’t know, I hope it made people see me as an actual person rather than just words on a website or the ranting crazy lady on the interwebs.

Thanks Burlington for humoring me. You win the award for the only person to sit through that shit.

Moving on. I’m having a time. Not necessarily a bad time or a good time, just a time.

I’m having issues with love after all this. I believed someone loved me in {D}. I was just a victim of his. He didn’t love me, he loved the control he had over me. You don’t hurt people you love like that. Then there was, of course, the lying and the abandonment—which, ironically, all I ever asked of him was not to do. Don’t abandon me.

I spent so much time trying to convince myself {D} loved me. I remember one night he rolled over and said, “Why can’t you believe I love you?” Because you're a fucking rapist who was fucking my head was the correct answer to that question.

Then we have LawyerBoy. Toward the end of our relationship, I had a rough night. I was doing drugs and I don’t even remember what happened. This was in my trying-to-die-like-a-rock-star phase after my diagnosis. I came over, and it was late on a work night. I pretty much immediately fell asleep in his arms, and the following morning I had slept off whatever was in my system.

I came to a decision that I needed to stop my shit. I needed to get my life together. I knew what I was doing, first of all, wasn’t working, and second, I was hurting other people in the process. I was barely clinging on for dear life.

We were both leaving for work and he kissed me goodbye, and I realized—as I got on my tiptoes to reach up to kiss him—what a really wonderful guy he was. How he really was the type of person I needed in my life. I told him I loved him for the first time.

He said, “I know,” and got in his car and left.

I was basically crushed. I bought him a Han Solo toy for Christmas a few days later along with the book of sheet music of his favorite song I had hand-made for him. He got me coasters. We got into a fight on New Year’s and he wanted to take a break.

The spiral was real and it was intense.

Then I walked into a soundproof room. Then {D} happened.

Now, I look at LawyerBoy and I do just keep seeing he is the best possible thing for me. He is calm and collected and I can’t push his buttons. He listens and forgives. He goes out of his way to make sure I know it isn’t just sex he wants me for and that I have more value than that. And most importantly, he doesn’t try to control me. He tries to help me make the best choices.

He is never going to love me though. He told me that. I told him the other day that for someone who doesn’t love me, he has loved me more than anyone else has.

It’s just a weird place to be in. I get lust and passion and love that crap—the energy and draw. That’s what I get pulled toward. But actually being treated well and with respect is so nice.

I had convinced myself {D} and what he was doing to me was love because that’s what he was telling me. Now I am sitting here trying to convince myself what LawyerBoy is doing isn’t love. I wish it wasn’t like that because it’s confusing as all hell. How am I ever going to know if someone actually loves me, or if they just want to hurt me?

I know LawyerBoy is going to abandon me one day. I’m trying not to feel it. I need to walk away but I need him right now. I’ve never needed anyone as much as I need him right now. And me needing him is what is going to kill me when he abandons me again.

So what the fuck is love? Is it passion? Is it control? Is it respect? What the hell is it? How do I find it if all I’ve been told is love hurts—and respect isn’t love?