I have a few triggers for flashbacks and just reminders. I wish I didn’t have these. I wish I could see certain numbers and not have an issue. That is still not the case, despite me trying not to think about it.
Today I was inputting notary appointments. It seems we have gotten to the point of the year where we are booking for February 2nd. I can’t see this date and not think of what happened that night in 2024.
It’s engrained in my mind. It’s also my grandmother’s birthday, and Groundhog Day, and what {D} and I counted as our anniversary. 2/2.
Angel numbers are a thing, and twos are for balance, harmony, and relationships. I thought it was good luck. I also thought he loved me, and I just had a rough night. I was mistaken on all counts.
Every time I had to put the fucking date in the computer, I felt that twinge in my stomach. I’ve been half nauseous all day long, seeing it over and over.
It’s coming up on two years. And I think of how fucking unfair the whole thing is. {D} gets this wonderful life of happiness and love and a great career, and I get to keep feeling it, and it’s not fucking fair.
Why does he get to be happy when I can’t even function still? It’s not fucking fair. I just keep screaming and no one hears me. It has been like this for two motherfucking years. And he is fine. He is happy. That’s so fucking wrong.
I hate the world. I hate the judicial system. I hate my life, and I really don’t want to go through another fucking year of feeling like this. I just want it to be over.
I am so filled with hatred and rage at the system, at the people, at the man, and the whole bloody mess. I am so filled with anger and frustration, and I don’t want to live in this fucking world.
Two fucking years like this. This is not how this is supposed to be. This is not the law or karma or any of that bullshit. This is just some bastard getting away with hurting me, just like all the others have.
Anyone can hurt me and there will be consequences for them. Just not me. I have to deal with it every fucking day, and I’m sick of it.
I’m fucking sick of all of it. I’m done.
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