I Shall Call Him Fluffy!

I slept today. I’m turning nocturnal. I guess that’s how life goes.

I feel like I made a stir between {D} and {A}. Unhappy scrolling happening. Hmmm. Well, whatever is happening, neither one of you should trust each other because you’re both lying, cheating whores, and you can’t trust a lying, cheating whore. You had to search for Washington? And for fucks sake, why do you sill get pissy about {S}. Dude get over it, you have no right. And another thing, it should serve as a reminder that you weren't enough for me either, sugar. You never were.

I’m starting to take a liking to the bodybuilder. Just got back from his place. There is a space crocodile named Fluffy involved now. I think he needs a saddle. The bodybuilder disagrees.

We were just chilling tonight. Lots of cuddling. We’re both overly affectionate. It’s nice. He is 6’4” and built, so I get to feel like the girl. I always feel like some kind of giant next to men, or like a man. I’m built like a man—just a bigger frame and hella muscular. It’s nice to be comparatively dainty.

The thing is, we haven’t had sex. He isn’t ready. So just cuddles and a little heavy petting. Not what I’m used to, but very sweet and very innocent. I don’t know.

I connect with people through sex. That’s just how I feel close to someone. That said, I have had sex with people I have no recollection of whatsoever. I have friends who have to remind me we’ve had sex before because I just don’t remember.

That has got to be a dissociation thing with me. I remember every single detail of everything down to shades of colors and exact placement. But sex? I really can’t remember unless it was something I was actually there for.

I wouldn’t remember the rape had it not been for the video. All I can remember about it before I saw the video was the exchange between them of possession of me. That I remembered. The rest, not so much.

That was the thing with the video. I knew it was not good. I knew that it hurt and I wanted it to stop, but the rest was fuzzy and unclear.

Watching it, it all snapped into place. Every bit of it became real again. And to watch it versus living through it, you see how horrific it was. I’ve said it before, but I always feel the need to explain it: seeing how bad it was is what broke me.

I wish that video didn’t exist. I could have just kept moving forward with my life. But that shit broke me. Maybe I needed to be broken, because that would have just kept happening over and over in my life if I hadn’t seen it and realized it.

It was a cycle I was in. Being hurt sexually. Protecting alcoholics and making excuses for them. I’ve been doing it my whole life.

Getting away from it wouldn’t have happened without me being broken by that video. I’ve been so distraught by the fact that I want to go back to before and who I was then.

Perhaps that isn’t who I should be. I’m not just some hot, slutty chick. There is way more to me than that. I’m smart and funny and a huge dork. I’m just an edgy dork.

It always pisses me off when people can’t see me. Most people can’t. Or at least they aren’t smart enough to appreciate me. I have lots of flaws, but I am a diamond in the rough.

Most guys just see the sex. The rest, well, I didn’t make them work hard enough to find out before they got to the sex part. And magic pussy aside, that shit gets old.

Anyways, long story short, I think I misjudged my bodybuilder. I hope this time sticks. At least until we fuck, because that man is giant in multiple parts of his anatomy. I’ve always found tall men are not necessarily proportionate. This one is, and then some.

Anyways, giant monster cocks aside, it’s going to be a big month. Job interviews. Court. Other things on the horizon. And just a really nice guy with a space pirate book who told me he appreciated that I’m literate.

I have a silly grin on my face thinking about it.