Institutional Betrayal

I keep coming back to fuck you. That is reactionary and volatile and immature and unstable. But all I can process to say is fuck you.

You have no idea what it’s like to live like this. Fuck you.

I lost fucking everything and everyone. And you fuckers just watch me like I’m in a goddamn fishbowl. Worried about your fucking selves and the headache this will bring and the money. Let’s make certain we take care of the fucking money. That shit is the most important fucking thing in the world.

Fucking I swear. You know what it’s like to know you have no safety? I can’t call the fucking police. If I do, they ignore me. Everyone fucking ignored me.

Do you have any fucking idea how fucked up you feel when it doesn’t matter what the fuck you do, no one will respond? You know they see you. You know for a fact they hear you, but they just fucking don’t.

It’s just fucking like {R} and {M} that night. Just fucking standing around doing fuck all. Worrying about your goddamn selves.

And I am the fucking crazy one. How many of you are here? I had fucking executive offices in Carson City here today. But no one has reached out. You all have been here the whole time.

Like I have been just abandoned and left to fear my fucking government.

I am afraid to leave my fucking house because of you fucks. Fuck you.

And here is the deal. Let me fucking explain some shit to you fuckers. It’s the fucking cops who convinced me someone fucking cared. I walked in believing no one fucking would care.

When they were arresting him? Jesus fucking Christ. I can never explain that fucking feeling. It was relief and acknowledgment and hope and safety and feeling like I wasn’t alone and I had been heard and validated. It was real. Feeling protected and fucking safe. Jesus.

And just to lose that. To know, like you have, that that shit is not for you. You get that feeling. Justice? Maybe some fucking one-in-a-million chance. Like winning the fucking lottery.

Do you know how fucked up institutional betrayal is? That is safety. That’s if shit goes down, these are the people who protect you and keep you safe. And to fucking realize that safety is gone. It was never fucking real.

You don’t fucking get to be protected. Not by the police or the legal system or the governmental safety nets. You are just fucking out here alone. It doesn’t matter how loud you scream or how much you beg for help, ain’t no one gonna rescue your ass.

In fact, they’ll probably try to fuck your world up worse.