Crazy or Logical

I feel like I’m crazy, but not crazy at the moment. It has been nonstop, whatever, just talking to myself. I’ve been running through my life stories—the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I see a lot of patterns. I’m trying to figure out how to tell my story in a way people might understand and follow what actually happened to me that night and in that relationship.

I will have to do this for court. It is 150% unfair that I have to do this shit. I’m fucking livid at the fucking judicial system right now. I fucking should not have to explain my goddamn self. That is just bullshit.

I am having a moment here on the term “rape culture.” Because frankly, it sounds fucking ridiculous to say, and stupid people use it for minor things, so no one takes that shit seriously. We need a better goddamn word for the way we talk about what happens in rape cases.

Victim blaming makes it a little soft. But that is the actual defense to rape. That is all.

I have my case. I really do. It’s irrefutable, well-defined, and there is no defense to it. Honestly, I have five seconds proving beyond a reasonable doubt that he raped me.

However, that ain’t how this shit goes. I will then have to defend my actions. Every movement, every breath, every facial expression, every pause where I’m not screaming, every fucking goddamn thing I did.

Then I have to explain why I went home with him. And the fact remains, on that shit, I had no intention to. I was just trying to make sure he was safe and made it into his apartment. And then, of course, they exchanged me like chattel. And the rest, as they say, is awaiting adjudication in multiple jurisdictions.

I don’t know. Christ, that relationship was nuts. I still don’t understand why he did that. Why would you ever start a relationship with me when you’re already in a relationship, and I am specifically telling you that I don’t want a relationship with you if you’re in a relationship? I seriously explained, in no uncertain terms, that I could not handle that shit and I wouldn’t be okay, and I told you just to fucking tell me before that shit started.

Post-apocalypse, this bitch right here, he apologized and said something about not intentionally hurting me. I was like, “Dude, I specifically fucking told you repeatedly. You knew exactly how much you would hurt me with that shit, and you did it anyway.” And he was like… double down on it.

I am just trying to put this case together. I feel crazy. I don’t just feel it—I am crazy—and I just keep talking to myself. That fucking bitch sent me into this spiral, and I can’t get out of it.

I can’t even fucking function enough to apply for jobs. Like, I cannot function right now. I still haven’t showered. It’s been over a week. I’m going to try to do that today.

I feel crazy, but I also feel like I have sound logic. That is a difficult question. Do I just assume I’m crazy, or do I trust my logic? Can I be logical and crazy at the same time? Is that possible? Or would they negate each other mathematically?

This is just so fucked up.