Just access

I don’t even know how court went today. I told him I lost. They did too. Everything was denied.

Dave looked like hell. It’s the first time I’ve seen him in two years. They block the cameras in Vermont, so I could only hear him, not see him. He looked horrible. I don’t feel okay about it. Like there is something wrong. He wasn’t wearing his glasses or a tie or anything and looked like he was sitting on the floor.

I’m concerned more than anything else. That’s weird. Just worried about him. I mean, fuck that guy, but it’s cause for alarm in my mind.

I hope he stays alive long enough for me to have him sent to prison  

I’ve got to figure out what to talk about tomorrow at the public records task force.

So I’m back with all my little friends here: Todd, Burlington, Dave, Demon Spawn, and some new people. Whatever.

There is nothing left. I don’t know what to do next. My chest hurts. My e I'll die in my sleep. I just need access to something that will kill me to get this over with. I just want it over.  Life isn't worth it anymore.  Fuck all of this. Every night I just pray to god I'll just not wake up. I deserve to just die peacefully.  That's all I ask. Just don't make me feel it. 

I thought about my skeleton being found in the desert two decades from nor. Someone looking. A body cover ever in old fractures.  Every bone ribs cracked, broken wrists clavicle orbital shoulder blade. A broken ankle or two.  

somone will look and go "what the hell happened here?" Just life beating a woman down til there was nothing left.