The Speculum II

I just sobbed while getting a pelvic exam. I walked into the room, saw the speculum, and burst into tears.

I had to explain to the doctor that I was a trauma victim. She worked very quickly and got it over with while I sobbed and shook.

My blood pressure is too high. I have a urinary tract infection and I need to take probiotics. She gave me antibiotics. She was very kind.

I am sitting in my car rocking and crying and trying to leave, but I can’t. I knew I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t realize it was going to be this bad.

There is a reason the speculum did this to me.

In a post I wrote on February 26, 2025, I described what happened that night:

I don’t know how far into the events of the evening we were, but {D} put his hands inside me and spread my vagina open. It was painful, but the part that bothered me most was when {D} said, “This is what we call the speculum,” and held my vagina wide open so you could see inside me.

The other guys ran over to stare. I know for a fact {M} was recording video. He has since told me he deleted it.

Being exposed like that, with people gathering around to look inside my body, is a feeling I still don’t know how to explain. They were laughing and saying how awesome it was, and I felt more exposed than I would have walking naked down a busy street.

That is what “the speculum” means to me.

So today I walked into a doctor’s office for first time in years, saw an actual speculum sitting there, and my body apparently remembered before my brain had any chance to talk it down.

Fuck you, Dave, for this.

I can’t even go to the fucking doctor because of you. I haven’t been in years. For all I know, I have cervical cancer again by now, you fucker.

You did this.

You and “the speculum.”

You were so excited to do that to me. You sick fuck.

One day you’ll be in jail where you fucking belong. One day.

Until then, let it haunt you like it haunts me.