Lost

I’ve been enjoying my cinematic foray into political ads. They are technically not ads, but I am doing good work. I am kind of proud of them.

The Aaron Ford Is a Bitch remix is my favorite.

Apparently, I have a staph infection that hopefully the antibiotics will take care of because it hurts really badly. Yikes.

I was offered a job today. I will be accepting it as soon as the other job I had a second interview for tells me no.

The one I want is actually with a criminal law firm in Arizona doing intake. I want it too much, and I think I started running off at the mouth during the interview. Just rambling about something, as I have been well known to do. But I asked today, and they said I was still under consideration. I didn’t expect that. I would love to have that experience.

We were talking about how my advocacy work is kind of counterintuitive to their criminal defense work. And I was like, that helps me see it from the other side. I will gain insight, and you can gain insight from my knowledge base. Yin needs yang.

Thank God it’s in Arizona since I am well known amongst the prosecutors here. And not in a good way.

I’m probably not going to get it because it pays well and it’s what I want to do, so those never work out. So I’m just going to assume it ain’t happening, but I would like to get the no before I accept the other offer, which I won’t be able to pay my own rent with.

I need to move. I have a place to move with Clint if we don’t kill each other. We really don’t do much with the getting along. We’re both just mean, angry people who wouldn’t particularly mind dying. Neither of us is really living life, as it were.

He has cancer and went into remission. He was expecting to die, and he is pissed he isn’t dead yet. He is so angry to still be alive.

This isn’t a romantic relationship. He has a spare bedroom, I need somewhere cheaper to live, and we could both use some company. It’s a practical arrangement, although I’m not sure how practical putting two angry people who don’t get along under the same roof actually is.

It wouldn’t last long.

But I’m still waiting for the room to open up at LawyerBoy’s. That will be a very good living situation for both of us, actually.

Speaking of, he has been in Seattle for like a month or so, and he is heading home this weekend. Exciting. I’ll have somewhere to go. I call him my emotional support lawyer.

I don’t know. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. It is what it is.

I have nothing in my life after the election. I am sure I can track down some people in public meetings to torture.

But the election is so much more than politics to me. Tuesday could determine whether I spend another four years living in this hell or whether I finally get a prosecutor willing to take another look at my case and potentially arrest Dave.

That is what is at stake for me.

I have spent more than two years trying to get someone to take this seriously. I have fought for records, examined the police investigation, questioned the prosecutorial decisions, found evidence that I believe was never properly considered, and publicly confronted the people responsible for those decisions.

I have done everything I can think of to get someone to listen.

And now there is an election that could change who makes those decisions. It doesn’t guarantee anything. A new prosecutor could look at the evidence and decline charges all over again. But at least there is the possibility that someone new will look at it. Someone who isn’t invested in defending the decisions already made.

I need that possibility.

So when I say I have nothing after the election, I don’t mean I’m going to miss making political videos or harassing public officials at meetings. Although, let’s be honest, I probably will.

I mean that I have spent years fighting for something, and Tuesday may determine whether there is finally a path forward or whether I am going to spend another four years fighting the same damn battle.

And I don’t know what I’m going to do if nothing changes.

I am going to be alone for the holidays. I’m getting used to that. The first year was horrible. But you just don’t think about it. It’s just another day. It doesn’t matter. Who cares, right?

It sucks to have no one.

Like, I need someone to help me clean up my apartment. I could move in with Clint tomorrow and be paying a fraction of what I’m spending now, but I can’t even begin to start the cleaning process so I can get to stuff to pack and move.

There is just trash everywhere. I’m on the couch, the bedrooms are full, and I’m running out of space.

The ridiculous thing is that I can spend hours researching laws, going through government records, making political videos, writing public comments, and arguing with government officials, but I cannot seem to clean my own damn apartment.

I can take on the Nevada Attorney General’s Office, but apparently I cannot take on my bedroom.

So I guess I’m going to aim for December to move. LawyerBoy is only back for so long. Maybe he will help me, but I doubt it.

Anyways, Aaron Ford sucks, and I hope to God the Republicans show up. They’re being outvoted by the Dems. But they also don’t trust mail-in voting, so maybe they show up Tuesday. I don’t know.

I need something. I’m just so fucking lost at this point.

That’s why I need to move in with someone, too. I spend way too much time completely alone. I’ve been alone like this for so long that I don’t even know what normal human interaction looks like anymore.

There is a reason solitary confinement is considered such a serious human rights issue. I know living alone isn’t the same thing, but you know what I mean.

People aren’t meant to spend this much time completely isolated.

And I think that’s the part that gets lost in all of this. People see the videos, the public comments, the lawsuits, the records requests, and the fights with government officials. They see me being loud and angry and refusing to shut up.

They don’t see me sitting alone on my couch in an apartment I can’t even manage to clean, wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do with my life.

I have a job offer. I might get a job I actually want. I have places I could move. I’m making videos I’m proud of. I’m still fighting for something I believe in.

There are good things happening.

But somehow, in the middle of all of it, I am just so fucking lost.