Oceanfront asphyxiation

I’m trying to get to where I said I was going to go but the words aren’t flowing.

I saw {S} this weekend. I told him I was thinking about moving and asked what Atlantic City is like nowadays and he just laughed uncontrollably. Never answered the question just laughed. I’m just saying $1200 a month for oceanfront might be worth the occasional shooting. Live by the water close enough to my dad in Baltimore and my best friend in Boston. Philly and nyc for concerts. Never have to pump gas again.

I did my normal routine running errands today. I had to get my prescriptions so I roll up to the CVS listening to Bowie’s Rock n Roll Suicide and my hands froze up. Couldn’t move them. Then my tongue. Then I started puking but I couldn’t keep my throat open. I just kept puking into the plastic bag I had in the front seat.

I thought I was fucked up while I was driving. Like maybe too much weed then I remembered I hadn’t smoked weed.

By brain needs to reset after each of these episodes. I get moody and I talk too fast and the world doesn’t look right for a couple days. I probably shouldn’t have driven myself home. I didn’t expect that today. I would have given anything to have not done that alone today. I thought maybe it was the drugs that had exacerbated it to that level and now that I quit, it wouldn’t happen again. Then I almost choked on my own vomit in a CVS parking lot.

I always thought if I was going to asphyxiate at a CVS it would be with one of those long ass receipts around my throat.

So new fear unlocked. Asphyxiating on my own vomit when my body randomly tightens up. This may not be be a long death after all.