Post apocalyptic jealousy

The post apocalyptic relationship between {D} and I was weird. The final text exchange was in November 2024. The breakdown had occurred and while I think he wanted to stay friends, I had reached the decision after the Wolfson explosion that I was going to fight this tooth and nail because I'm not a whore and I didn't deserve what he did to me. 

it's weird I am putting this out here publically, but I'm saying it because I'm proud of myself: I have really stopped being a slut. I had sex most days. Regardless of if I had a boyfriend or not. I could pick up men anywhere anytime. I had a collection of men who were my fuck buddies. They were also my only friends. 

The night of the video 3 out of 4 of them were in the room  either directing {D}, participanting {M}, or just ignoring my screams and leaving because it made THEM uncomfortable {R}. It took me a few days after the police interview to realize everything. I told the police very matter of factly that those were my friends, not {D}'s because I think they assumed that my friends wouldn't let that happen. The police gave me the what the fuck look. I told them they wouldn't talk to the police and I initially refused to even give their names. And the detective said something like, if they're you friends they would want to help you. 

i talked to {M} and {R} immediately after the interview. I was hysterical, I wanted to be with anyone just to feel safe and hide and not be where {D} could locate me for the night. Both of them just didn't. {M}'s only response was "I don't talk to the police without an attorney present." I was like cool, but what about me? {R}just went that's crazy and told me he was a drug dealer and why fuck would I expect him to do that. 

so I lost all my friends overnight. Just poof, they were gone. Except {S}.

There is a whole weird long story behind this but {D} and {S} they were the dream. One day they would realize I was worth more than just being a fuck to them. I would have been over the moon with either one of them. {D} I loved because he we are both music dorks and quippy and could read each other. His good side and my good side are the same person. I always said every time I saw him I would fall in love for 3 days and then remember what a fucking asshole he was.

{S} on the other hand is just this stoner dudes with a jeep and flip flops and pooka shell necklace. He is an idiot and I actually don't date men without graduate degrees, like that is step one for the dating application. {S} just was special to me. We could just get high and watch documentaries for hours. He's the man who made me realize every single man with a guitar over the age of 50 will eventually play Creep by Radiohead in their kitchen wearing nothing but boxers  that like a reality, like physics. 

so for what 6 years, I kept all these men seperate. Never mentioned another one. Until I did. {D} and {S} got jealous of each other. {S} cried and {D} that was a night in mid May. May 15th, {S}'s sober birthday. Ten years sober. I sent him a text because I was proud of him. He texted back much later and {D} saw my phone and flipped out on me but didn't say why. He just started calling me stupid and telling me about how other women he was with had bigger breasts or he said his ex wife had a better ass than mine. Just started saying this shit to me. I almost cried. 

so the jealousy remained even after the apocalypse. {D} would get jealous. {S} I hurt him and he has not forgiven me and probably never will. It's a long story.

But {D} even after the apocalypse thought he owned me. I still don't get it. Why? 

So now I have no one. It's kind of okay. I had a lot of sex to just validate myself and to feel something. I'm numb to most things. Sex I have yet to decide if I enjoy it or if I really don't and just the only positive feedback I normally get about myself is that I'm a great fuck. They ignore the genius level IQ and the working on cars and football and encyclopedic knowledge of music. I used to be a pretty cool person, but all anyone cares about is the sex.

I'm crying now  fuck. Fuck it I'll post it anyways, but seriously any guys out there 50s guitar player who like smart girls and think that is more important in a person, hit me up. I'm weird as fuck and mean, but fuck I am smart.