Negative, positive, indifferent

I have two different thought processes. One is positive and hopeful. The other lives in the decay of the past. I can’t decide which way to go with this tonight—err, morning. I’ve been falling asleep after work and waking up in the middle of the night. Which, by the way, Burlington, you haven’t been sleeping well. I don’t know you or who you are, but reach out if you need someone to talk to.

The Negative

I was thinking about the hearing and what I should say. I need to control my time. I lack brevity. So I have to hit the key points—but what are those, and how do I pick? I want to describe the video. I feel it is pertinent the judge watch at least the first video. I don’t think you can appreciate the gravity of it without seeing it.

And I feel the need to give commentary: why I did things, how I moved, watching my thighs shake. You know when you go to the gynecologist and they tell you to drop your knees to the side and open up your pelvis so they can get in there? That’s what I did. I shifted my hip at one point out of an old habit from Brian 2 when he was causing me pain.

I need to explain the description from the police request for the warrant where it says that I removed his hand. I didn’t. He finally let go. I couldn’t get out, and I was afraid if I pulled back too hard, I could tear. That was a huge fear.

I also need to bring up “the speculum” and how {D} held my vagina open for the others to gawk. I wish that video existed. It was taken, but {M} said he deleted it.

I look back at that night and I know what happened. I also know I thought, after everything I had gone through and been through and dealt with, that {D} loving me was my reward. That was where life was going to be better. That was my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. He loved me because of me, not despite me. I don’t know how to explain that, but for everything he did to me that night, he loved me. And I need so desperately to be loved. How do I explain that to a judge? Oy.

The PositivE

LawyerBoy and I have plans this weekend. He is coming over and we are going to watch the videos together and annotate. This is going to be the first time I’ve watched it with someone. He’s staying with me.

That doesn’t sound very positive, but we have decided we are going to clean my apartment and rearrange the furniture and get rid of some stuff and just redo the whole thing. This way I’m not living in memories. My perspective can change. It’s the same wall but a different angle.

I wake up at night and I see {D} standing at the foot of my bed, an image frozen in time. I need a change. This should be good for me. And LawyerBoy is so good to be helping me. I know he has better shit to do.

The Indifferent

I asked LawyerBoy to be my fallback today. We may not be in love, but we care, and we work well together. So I asked him to marry me when we turn 55 if we’re both alone. He has yet to respond. We’ll see. Everyone needs a fallback. I’ll take the nice lawyer who puts up with my shit, mostly. 

I guess all of this is just me trying to navigate three versions of myself at once: the one who remembers, the one who’s trying to rebuild, and the one who’s bracing for whatever comes next. I don’t know which one wins out on any given night. But I’m still here, still planning, still rearranging furniture and feelings and evidence, trying to make the past less loud and the future a little less bleak. Maybe that’s enough for now.