Good Enough For Now

I have so many things swirling through my mind this rainy day. The weekly chaos of life—but leading a life more chaotic than mine seems slightly impossible. Shit’s fucked, yo. I’ll survive it, but good lord, the unnecessary convergence of chaos in my mind is not my favorite thing. Today’s thought: fuck the system.

So, first things first. I got two FOIAs back. One for Nevada DOI, which gave me no information other than it looks like {D} was at work that day and forwarded the email to the commissioner’s administrative assistant himself, calling it “slander.” It would have to be untrue to actually be slander. Maybe that’s the law school class he was doing whippets in.

The Vermont FOIA entertained me a bit more. Apparently he was sworn in and even gave a speech at the Attorney General’s Office Christmas party. Four months later, he gets called into a meeting—April 2nd. They couldn’t have done it the day before for me? Hell of an April Fools’ moment. Couldn’t have planned that one better. I was disappointed to see they let him resign. Why can’t any of these people just fire him? That does piss me off a little.

I talked to disbarment dude this morning. Well, fuck. Looks like he got away with it again. He’ll be allowed to give up his license—basically a nolo plea—meaning he concedes the allegations can’t be defended against and he’ll never practice law in Vermont ever again. That’s two states that have let him do that now. The first, of course, was Florida, and I still don’t know why he had to do that there. I was told it had something to do with a 72-hour hold. I would kill to know what happened in Florida in ’04 or ’05. If anyone knows (yeah, looking at you, you know who), please tell me.

I told disbarment dude he was letting him get away with it like he gets away with everything else. He said {D} doesn’t practice or want to. He also claimed {D} worked for years in Nevada without a law license and wasn’t practicing law. So I sent him the documentation from {D}’s stint doing administrative hearings as a hearing officer in Nevada without a law license—just to clarify that he has the law degree. Lawyer but not an attorney.

Then I told him to wrap his fingers around his four fingers, then around his hand at the thumb joint, and look at the difference in diameter—and imagine that difference in any given orifice of his body. I had one in mind, but his head seems to be in the way. I didn’t say the last part. I’m learning.

He told me it would be very taxing on me to go through discovery and travel to Vermont for a hearing panel and have my life and past brought up. I explained to him in no uncertain terms that if I could handle what happened that night, I can handle anything {D}’s Cadillac attorney could possibly throw at me.

So once again, {D} gets away with it. It’s not that they doubt me—everyone believes me—it’s that {D} knows how to cover his ass.

This is such a fucked-up legal system we have in this country. Disbarment dude said I’ll probably never get a day in court. I told him I’m still coming after {D} criminally and we’re getting a new AG next year. He said the actual AG doesn’t make decisions like that, that it’s prosecutorial attorneys in their office. Yes, no shit, but guess what—that is probably not who made this particular decision.

He then said most civil suits don’t go to trial, and I explained very clearly that there will be no settlement on this.

I had an idea of what the judicial process was supposed to be. What they teach us in school is not how it actually works. It’s how much you pay your attorney and who you know and who you blow. Just like everything else in life. It sickens me that we don’t have a judicial process where someone like me—just an average, or maybe slightly less than average, person—can seek any kind of justice.

I told my dad about it and he said "that's good enough for now." I responded "The fuck it is. No it's not enough for anything."

They all tell me they believe me but they can’t do anything about it. Bullshit. That’s fucking bullshit. Fight it like a goddamn bulldog. Nut the fuck up and fight. I’m not important enough for anyone to make that happen. It’s all bullshit. The entire fucking system is bullshit. They’re lying to you if they tell you otherwise.

In the end, all I can do is keep moving forward and deal with each part of this as it comes. There’s always another form, another response, another agency, and I’ll get through those the same way I’ve gotten through everything else so far. It’s not ideal, but it’s the reality of the process, and I’ll navigate it step by step.