Sleeping with Dogs

Sorry it’s been a few days. Happy Super Bowl to all. LawyerBoy is from Seattle, so we had a good time. My condolences to the New England fans.

I spent the weekend at LawyerBoy’s house. I painted a guitar while we watched. It’s actually very pretty — I need to take pictures. It’s still in the car, so I’m not grabbing it right now.

We had a good weekend. I drank for the first time in a long time. Like drank-drank.

We got into a huge argument about his HOA, which he’s president of. It’s a long story, but one resident has been without their entire garage for four years. I was screaming insurance law at him and told him to put a fucking daily fee on it and get a fucking lien — it would be done tomorrow. And he’s like, “They had to determine whose fault it was for the insurance.” So I’m screaming insurance law at him and he’s like, “I guess I could look it up.” Yeah — you’re a fucking lawyer, that is what you should have done years ago.

He was complaining because he wants to put his place on the market. It also looks like he’s about to make senior associate, so go get it the fuck together so you can buy a house where you don’t hear gunshots from Boulder Highway.

He did tell me to shut up about his neighborhood because my father pays my rent. Lawyerboy would later tell me that my dad doesn't realize what a boner he has for me. I was like "I'm fairly certain my realizes you have a boner for me. He's old not stupid."

My father by the way learned a very important life lesson in thinking with his dick: marriage to my mother.

Mt dad was actually very concerned about {D} with me. I had told him about {D} back when {D} and I first started and first he asked if had been disbarred (way to foreshadow, dad) then he asked what he was doing with me. I told him{D} about this and said my dad was worried about him dating me for his own sake and {D} said "I'm not afraid of you, you tell your dad I can take care of myself." In hindsight, that's hilarious.

These are the things that happen when one thinks solely with dick. 

LawyerBoy did tell me he has a tattoo from Supernatural — a symbol that’s supposed to protect you from being possessed — and he looked at me and said, “because you haven’t possessed me yet.” I don’t know if that means I’m a demonic creature or what that meant.

Speaking of tattoos, he asked about one of mine. I have II-IV on my arm. Brian 2 has a matching one. LawyerBoy asked what it meant and I told him it’s Led Zeppelin II, track 4 — Thank You. He decided to play it.

I burst into tears. That kinda sucked. Didn’t think it would hit me after all these years.

We went to bed and he was clingy. Just held me tight and if I moved he would whisper, “shhh you’re okay, Katie, I’m here.” I could have sworn he told me he loved me a couple times.

It was mainly the concept of lifelong, impenetrable, unconditional love. There is no such thing as that. It’s all bullshit.

The next day we watched the Super Bowl all day and some movie I swear we’ve already seen. I had been drinking so I didn’t want to drive home, so I stayed another night. Less talking till 3 a.m., more quiet sleep. He went to take a shower and I fell asleep before he got back.

Please note there is a king-size bed in the garage he just bought that we haven’t set up yet. So we are sleeping on a queen and this man is 6’4”.

He woke me up this morning in a marginally pissed-off tone that the dog (a standard poodle) had to sleep on the floor because I “took half the bed out of the middle.” I will be going to his house one day this week to set up his bed while he is at work.

So it was this whole basic weekend of doing normal shit people do. I had a blast staying up and talking until all hours of the night.

Now I’m scared I’ll never have that again.

The concept of abandonment is too hard on me. LawyerBoy is just going to leave me like everyone else. And I know it. Good nights hurt because you know bad nights are coming. You know you can’t count on being anything but alone.

The only person you ever have is you.

And I don’t like that bitch.