Visitors

Every weekend I wake up, look at my website analytics, and think to myself, “What the fuck are these people up so early for, and why is part of their morning routine reading my blog?” You people wake up too fucking early (looking at you, Burlington — what the fuck with the 5 a.m?). And I’m really not that interesting. I guess I do try to keep you guys entertained with my rage and dark humor. Using my trauma for your drama every morning at the asscrack of dawn.

So let’s play my favorite game: Name That Visitor!

You each have a different identifying character sequence randomly chosen by whichever data analytics system I’m looking at. So everyone has several numbers. Plus I have your IP address.

Geolocating can be weird. It’s usually center of town, sometimes a public park — but not exact. The only exception is one system I don’t use anymore that pulls businesses only. It was too expensive just to watch {D} and Carson City visit from work all the time.

Now this is not unusual. They do this on every website you visit. And yes, I can creepily watch screen recordings of you reading, which keeps me entertained some days. I do get pissed when you skip. And why does everyone skip the last fucking paragraph? It’s always the best. For a while there I had ChatGPT write whatever it wanted for the last paragraph since no one read it anyway. See, that’s why data analytics exist — so you can change things.

Now back to geolocation. That’s based on your IP. Go look up your IP address on an IP geolocator and you’ll see what I can see about where you are. However, relays exist. Those are kind of simple. New York is Vermont except Burlington which is Albany, but South Burlington is New York, which is confusing. Las Vegas is, of course, LA and where I show up when I visit my own website. Then there’s Reno, which comes in as Sacramento, which inevitably makes me sing that one line from “California Love” by Tupac every time.

So who is who?

Sac Town — my brother. Todd, honey, I can still see you when you come in from searching Bing. Show some respect and actually read it all the way through. Men, I swear, read differently than women. But why are you so afraid of me?

Burlington, my dear, you’re my favorite. I shall never ever reveal you. If you are who I think you are, you drama llama, you know I know. You’re just here for the drama. I start shit and you are all over it.

Young Lady, I still don’t know why you’re here. But I do have to tell you that you read impressively fast. I know you’re reading the whole thing, and I can’t keep up with you — and I wrote that shit. I’ve tried reading out loud along with you and I can’t keep up. It’s truly impressive. Just so you know.

Utah, I can only assume you are a random or possibly an ex-girlfriend. I can’t figure you out. I thought you were the lawyer at first, but your geolocation isn’t right. And it’s across two networks. You remain a mystery to me.

Now {A}, I know it’s you. You’ve been pissed since I said that and stopped showing up twice a day. I am damn near hurt by that — but not really, because I do want you to go away. One day I hope I never, ever have to think of either of you again in my life. I feel a weird camaraderie with you and I worry about you. I also don't want to worry about you because thinking of him doing to you makes me think of him doing it to me. And it fucks with me that I can't protect you. So stop making me worry about you. You are narcissistic possibly as narcissistic as he is. It's a choice you are making not to try to disengage from that trauma bond. I know what a hold it has. Start therapy and take your time.  

{D} or should I say 97af4eaf, I truly hate you and the fact you are here. This blog is about me, you narcissistic prick. Ballsy move when you went off relay and showed up in Montpelier last week — geolocating from the same building.

Who am I missing? Oh, LA — we should catch up. Email me.

You guys are kind of a puzzle to me. Literally, I have to connect the dots across systems and known parties and recent behaviors and tandem viewing at times. I know how you read. I can tell some people by their scroll — lazy, continuous, or focused paragraph by paragraph. I am mesmerized by this shit.

This is part of what keeps me writing. You all are actually encouraging me to write more, so if that’s not your intent, might want to reconsider the morning ritual. Except you, Burlington — never change. But sleep in sometimes. Fuck. Sometimes I’m still up from the night when you’re on in the morning.

Thank you for your continued participation in this entirely voluntary and mutually beneficial exchange. Your habits are appreciated. Please proceed as usual.