I Don’t Want To

I’ve been writing and deleting texts to Rock and Roll Lawyer all day. I’ve been fighting off the overwhelming urge to overshare and tell him everything. Why am I like this?

I’ve been through several long-assed texts today and finally convinced myself to sleep on it tonight and not send a text until tomorrow.

What brought this on was a guitar I was working on. I didn’t mean to, but I made it in the pattern of the logo I put together for selling the guitars, Apocalyptic Pussy. The name stems from {D} calling the email to DOI the Apocalypse.

This won’t make sense, but this guitar is different for me. It feels like a new chapter. Or maybe I’m nuts. The guitars never get done. They are an allegory for my trauma recovery. I put all the work in and I never finish.

I wanted to explain that to Rock and Roll Lawyer, but I am trying not to run him off. The goal is to feign sanity long enough for him to get attached, then release the crazy.

I’m sick of feeling like I’m crazy. You hear the stories about great leaders and how everyone thought they were crazy, but they persisted and did whatever. At what point do you give up? Obviously, we are getting a new AG. I’m in until I get rejected by them.

Then what? Do I take four years off, wait for another new AG and a DA, and go back?

I want to stop thinking about the rape every day. I want {D}’s name to not cross my mind for a full 24 hours. I just don’t want to think about it.

At least I have a few moments longer than I used to where I can think about something else entirely.

I am sick of all of this. I am tired of playing all the roles: the accuser, the victim, the investigator, the lawyer. It’s too many roles. I want justice. Fucking justice. And what does that look like? It looks like someone else trying this case, not me. Not me figuring out how depositions work and having to have that conversation with him. I have to face him again in what is essentially a conversation. I don’t want to do that.

I don’t want to watch the videos, and I fucking need to. I need to watch them again. All the videos, at least once. Why do I have to be the one to do this?

This is the only way I can get an answer. I need an answer to what this was. Am I the crazy one? Am I?

I have moments in my thoughts on the civil case where I think I pretty much need to show one five-second clip and it proves it. Easy deposition:

“Did you say that?”

“Yes.”

“Did you then do that?”

“Yes.”

“Your witness.”

But I have to prepare for everything else.

I’m just not sure I can do it. I wish I had a lawyer. Wait, I have a couple lying around here somewhere… wrong types of lawyers. Damn it.