Basic Human Decency

Good news. I did it. I made it out of the house today, but only barely. Didn’t go to urgent care, and my car decided that all the safety features have been disabled.

Okay, so the car had an electrical issue, which sucks so bad because new cars are all about the electronics. But it’s flashing lights like that motherfucker is Apollo 13. That is a horrible, horrible thing if you know anything about how modern cars work. This is probably the beginning of the next, like, 10 years of me hating my car because it runs, just not correctly. This is one of those things that is going to be a running headache until I crash it into something. I’m not saying I’m going to commit insurance fraud, just that the only way I’m getting a new car will be because I have insurance money for the car being totaled—much like my last car purchase. My sister totaled my Camry, not me. I haven’t caused an accident in three decades.

Moving on. I went to CVS and got my blood pressure medication. That was a feat. I still have trouble going to CVS since I had that neurological episode in the parking lot last year. That resulted in me being off my antidepressants for the first time in well over a decade. I wish CVS delivered.

I was able to get in the shower eventually today. It had only been six days since I last showered. This is what trauma does to people in severe cases. I’m not crazy; I’m ridiculously traumatized.

Now that almost didn’t happen because, when I was about to get up and take that shower—sitting on the edge of the bed, talking myself into it—my phone dinged. Wouldn’t you know it, it was Rock and Roll Lawyer, the one I met after Valentine’s Day and really liked, who told me he didn’t want to get caught up in my drama because I had told him part of what happened. He was asking if I wanted to fuck tonight.

My first message to him was, “I don’t know how to respond to that.” He proceeded to keep trying, and I explained to him clearly and in no uncertain terms that there are hundreds of guys who want to fuck me, and he was not special.

He then said something about the sex being a trigger. And then he said it was unfair to him.

I explained that sex isn’t a trigger for me. Fingers inside me are, but not sex. What I told him was that I’m not going to be anyone’s fuck buddy because I am done being treated like I am disposable. I only want to have sex with men who treat me with respect and dignity and care.

That motherfucker just said “Understood” and stopped texting.

Now follow the logic with me here: I tell you that I only want to be treated with basic, simple human decency, and his response was basically that he was out. Wow. I thought I would at a minimum shame him into apologizing, but no—just “Understood,” and never said another word.

Basic fucking human decency. I just want to be treated like a human being. That’s all I’m asking for. And that is too much for me to ask for. How does anyone ever expect me to feel any sense of self-worth or value when that is how people treat me?

Okay moving on. No that is how I am treated and it is a cycle because either I let people treat me like that and that is all they think of me. Or they abandon me and it affects my self worth.  It’s like the night of the video. No one cared that I was screaming. No one thought anything of it or reacted so I just thought it was me. I had tried to use my big girl voice but it didn’t work and obviously it was my fault because no one else reacted. I watch the video and at one point {M} pushes his dog of the bed. The dog lets out a little yelp. Both {D} and I stop and look at him disapprovingly. But while I begged, no one paused. No one said a word.