12:15 am

So {A} We meet again.

So what happened? He stumble into bed and wouldn’t get off you? Did he do that thing where he puts his weight on your mid chest and pins you to the bed? That shit was always impossible to get out of.

Or did he touch you? He is so heavy handed. It’s because of the neuropathy in his hands. It’s just too rough. At least it was for me. There is a point where stimulation becomes overtly painful and overwhelming.

And it doesn’t matter what you do. You can push him off, but he jumps right back on you like a fucking spider monkey.

I told the police that during my interview, and I told them it was just easier not to fight him. That was my mantra for a long time—the quicker you get them off, the quicker they get off you.

Listen, I asked you specifically not to get on the website at that exact time of night. I’ve said it too many times for you to not know that is exactly what I think happened.

So now I’m up in the middle of the fucking night sobbing and reliving it. That is a cruel fucking thing to do to someone on purpose, just so you know.

Please go get a therapist. Tell them the situation and work on an escape plan. It might feel impossible right now. I feel like I would have benefited from slowly disengaging from him.

See, I knew the trauma bond, I just didn’t know what it was yet by name, and technically at the time, I knew it was more powerful than I was. And if you read up on it, it makes a lot of sense actually. You basically are being overloaded with a mix of neurochemicals, and it is set off by the amygdala, or the reptilian brain, telling you to survive. But the push-pull of the relationship, the monitoring of his moods, that is part of that amygdala response. At the same time, he has confused your brain, and your brain is getting bonding chemicals that strengthen that internal soul-crushing need to be with him because he has trained you. And he controls your dopamine that way, so you feel that reward by letting him do whatever he wants to do.

It’s 4 in the morning and I am discussing neuroscience with my rapist’s girlfriend, who he apparently just raped.

You can’t make this shit up.

Get some help. You can make leave. It might hurt like a bitch, but I can’t imagine it hurting more than what you are feeling that compels you to reach out to his known victim when it happened. I’m sorry you’re still going through it.

And I am once again going to ask that you don’t come at that time of night. It really does trigger me.

If you want to understand more about trauma bonding, go to sparkjustice.org and look at the programs. I have a program up on trauma bonding. It’s free. You just have to go in there. It’s pretty long and just words right now. But if you want more info, it is there.