I’m not okay

I just had a massive panic attack over my phone charger. It wasn’t working, and I needed to go out to the car to get my other one.

First, my shoe wouldn’t go on my foot. Instant panic. I needed shoes to go to the car. I couldn’t figure out how to get it on.

I walked to the front door to go to the car, but my keys weren’t in the basket. I must have left them in my purse, which was back in the bedroom on the bed.

To get my purse off the pile of guitar parts, electronics, and clothing I sleep next to, I knocked the bag containing my dinner onto the opposite side of the bed.

I went out to the car, repeating to myself over and over and over, “It’s okay, just breathe. It’s okay, just breathe. It’s okay, just breathe…” I had to go down the rocks—the ridiculous killer rocks they installed a couple of years ago that are always a difficult trek—but now it’s worse because I didn’t quite get my shoe on.

I grabbed the charger and went back inside. I plugged in the phone. Then I had to get to the other side of the bed, which is like 6” from the wall.

The biggest problem is the pile of trash that I spend two hours every night trying to convince myself to take outside. I have two bags. I needed to clear a pathway to get to the other side of the bed, so I filled up another bag, but nothing would go in easily. Cup holders are a bitch to throw away because they take up so much space. And I order takeout every single day. It is the only thing I eat.

So I cleared a pathway to get to the other side. I made it over. Now I had to move the storage thing I put at the edge of the bed, and it’s plastic and from Temu and fell apart.

Got that taken care of and grabbed my sandwich. I found my asthma inhaler too, so that was actually beneficial to be over there.

I sat down on the bed and looked at my purse and took my meds.

I haven’t been taking my meds regularly. I’m on two antidepressants and two anti-anxiety medications. I just don’t seem to take them. I can’t bring myself to do it most days.

I think it has been a week since I showered last. I keep saying I’m going to, and I never can.

I’m not okay.