Disillusioned

.hey {D} happy memoversary. You're present will be there tomorro. Do you remember when I asked you and you said what memo? I was reading up on that tonight and I have questions  Because I know you I am a little shocked by random backup drives in a tech free environment. And man who prints everything at work. If I don't know better...

I am so fucking disillusioned right now. It’s like someone told me Santa wasn’t real while I sit here watching my childhood heroes smoke crack and kill babies. This is disillusionment.

Disillusionment in what, you ask? The legal system. My experience over the last couple of weeks with {D}, that cunt of an attorney, and the shit they have pulled, the blaming, the procedural gotcha bullshit, all of it. I had so much more respect for this fucking process.

It’s a game. It is nothing but a game. And fucking what, I do not play by the goddamn rules. Never have. Especially not these fucking rules.

So I am saying it clearly every single time they do it. I am clarifying, and I am stating why I have to clarify, and why what they are doing is not a proper use of procedure. But hey.

Also, here’s a little thing that happened. This cunt sends me a Dropbox link. It says “case note” and it accompanies a filing, so I open it. It is the lawyer’s personal information. Her mortgage records and other random private shit. And I’m like, what the fuck, right? I immediately tell her. Immediately get it off my phone. I refuse the next Dropbox link she sends and tell her to email me instead, with as many emails as necessary, because I will never open another Dropbox link from her again.

Of course the files are all from my website or my Google Drive, which I have already given her, and then she follows it up with some stern email saying she has never been given the documents and videos.

I am literally like, you just sent me a filing with documents from my Google Drive. You have had access forever.

It’s the mind fuck that gets me.

Like, argue your fucking case on its merits. If your case has no merits, then settle with the other party and admit fault. Do not do this to someone. What they are doing feels, to me, literally abusive. I have been so destabilized by this whole scene. I am not in a place where I have much ability to regulate under this kind of stress and this kind of gaslighting. This woman is literally gaslighting me. I am back in a state where I am questioning reality, and I am losing it. This is actual cruelty.

And yeah, I am unraveling. I can see it in my writing. I can see it in my behavior. I am genuinely worried about myself. I am genuinely worried about what these people have the ability to do to me psychologically if this keeps going. I do not mean they are physically threatening me. I mean I know how close to the edge I already am. I know I can be pushed. I know what sustained panic does to a person. I hope they realize that and back off a little, because I am hanging by a thread right now. I am already close enough to the edge on my own. I do not need anybody helping me get there faster.

This has been two weeks, or ten, I honestly cannot even tell anymore, of hell. Writing, filing, rewriting, obsessing, hyperfixating on how they are going to use this against me or that against me.

I live in a world of panic all the time. I have for at least two years. I have been in a constant state of anxiety and panic, my brain functioning in full survival mode. I am hypervigilant. I am occasionally paranoid. I am flustered. I cannot concentrate. I am scared all the time. Not even of the lawsuit itself, exactly, but of what being put through this is doing to me.

Like, I get that some of this is apparently just part of the fucking game, but at a minimum do not come tell me I’m being difficult because I have not provided something I know I have already given you three times. Then there was the Dropbox thing, and next thing I know I have a few accounts asking for password resets. I am now fucking terrified these people have access to my phone, all my stuff, my private thoughts, my messages, everything.

Like {D} has just waltzed back in and taken control of my life away again, and I am in that state where I do not know what’s real and what isn’t, and I am being constantly reprimanded for things I did not do.

That is the part that really gets me. Not just the lying. Not just the procedure. The deliberate confusion. The making me chase my own tail until I sound hysterical, and then acting like the hysteria came out of nowhere. Making me re-prove what I already proved, re-send what I already sent, re-explain what was already clear, until I am too exhausted to even remember my own point. And then that exhaustion gets used against me like it says something about my credibility instead of something about what this process does to people.

This is a system that is either abusive by nature or so easily weaponized into abuse that the distinction barely matters. This should never be allowed. This is just harm for the sake of harm.

I want to sit here and say that a good attorney, or at a minimum a competent attorney, would not sink to these levels. That this is slimy ambulance-chasing bullshit, not professional lawyering. That this is not right.

But there is no procedural rule for “not right.”

P.S. Rules and procedures? Bullshit made up for lawyers to argue with other lawyers and to put a barrier between ordinary people and any hope of ever seeking legal remedy without hiring another fucking lawyer.