I don’t know exactly what to do anymore. I have withdrawn completely at this point. I’m talking to myself all day. I just—I don’t have anyone.
I talked to my dad today, and he is, as always, pissed at me. Why aren’t I trying harder to find a job? Why must I keep working on this case? Why can’t I just let it go? Why didn’t I take better care of my car? Cars are expensive. Like, fuck you, what do you want me to do? I’m not really driving my car at all.
You know why? I don’t leave my house. I don’t leave my bedroom. Hell, I don’t leave my bed. Where would you like me to go in my fucking car? It’s parked. Just let it be parked. It’s okay. Like, what am I fucking doing wrong to my fucking car? What is his fucking problem?
The lawsuit—and just like, I could use some help on this. You have a couple of law licenses. Not gonna help me. Like, why am I doing this? For funsies? Obviously not because I feel some overwhelming need for justice in this fucking case. No, I am clearly putting myself through this for what fucking reason do you think? Money? Bullshit. Like, come on, even if I win, the ability to collect? Come on, man.
And frankly, I am at this point regretting the decision to do this. Like, I knew I would get dragged, but I kind of thought, okay, I can handle that shit because this is on principle, right? Like, it’s going to be okay. But realizing what the fucking system is and how it works.
Like, shit. The strength of my case has fuck all to do with this. It’s so fucked up.
Anyways, I have some guy who wants me to come spend the night with him tomorrow. I think I’m going to go. I have been trying to not just have sex with people. I’m trying to, you know, hold out for a relationship and someone who respects me. Well, that isn’t happening. You know, I’m good enough to fuck but not good enough to date. Same story for years. And I just can’t take the rejection anymore.
I just was trying to stop hurting myself with these men. And I need some human contact. Just anything at all. I can’t take much more deprivation of basic human touch. I am such an affectionate person to start with. I don’t think I’ve touched another human in a month.
So I guess I’ll just go spend the night with this dude. He creeps me out a little bit. It never settles into nonsexual stuff. It’s all just sexual touch, and I can only take so much of that. Like, I would really prefer just, I don’t know. Just, it just doesn’t feel good. But you get what you get, I guess that’s what I’m there for, right? That’s my purpose. And that’s the only reason someone spends time with me.
So it is what it is. I can’t just sit here and talk to myself, right? I have to get out, and that’s what I’m good for, I guess. I just had hoped someone or something would, you know, just appear and feel good. God, I miss feeling good. I would kill to just feel good. You have no idea.
*****
Fucking AI. I send my shit through for a quick edit, and this fucking bullshit thing starts saying I shouldn’t go and should just set boundaries beforehand and tell him I’m not promising sex. Like, in what fucking world are you in? Like, this AI edits my blog posts. It should fucking know better.
And then the fucking governess started giving me safety tips and the fucking rape crisis hotline. Like, what the actual fuck does this fucking AI shit think is fucking real in the world? I thought I had taught my AI a little something about the fact that no one gives a fuck. But no, it gave me the rape crisis hotline because it thought me giving up my body for just a little taste of companionship—what the fuck ever, man.
What it was saying was that this was a choice.
Ha, you’re so fucking cute. You have no idea what real fucking life looks like for someone like me. ‘I’m not promising sex’? You are going to be uninvited or raped. Take your fucking pick. It’s easier just to fuck them.
What the fuck are you even talking about? No, this is transactions in life. That is what this is. I have to have sex with him. I will be alone if I don’t have sex with people. Like, it’s not an option for me. It doesn’t matter what I do or say. Either I fuck them or I’m alone, so don’t give me the safety bullshit. And like, anyone gives a fuck about any of that shit. Like, take a fucking look around at my goddamned life and this shit. Fuck you. You stupid fucking thing. That shit doesn’t count for people like me. Okay? Get it fucking straight.
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