Nothing is real

I don’t know where we are at right now. A flurry of activity on the website yesterday. I was freaked out all day watching it. Multiple people, and they are attempting to avoid the analytics.

See, the government is the reason I have so many analytics running. What one misses, the next catches. This shit is unreal.

I sent out emails to Lombardo and the NSP chief, but he got promoted, so not really his thing anymore. But he is the one who wrote him the synopsis.

I am basically just asking why now. Like, they could have helped me. They could have put a dangerous criminal behind bars. They could have not destroyed me in order to keep up appearances.

That’s the thing. It’s the choices. There were so many choices that could have been made. {D} could have chosen not to do that to me. {D} also could have chosen not to destabilize me. He got the final say on those decisions.

Wolfson and Ford could have both made the right decision and charged him. They chose not to. Don’t ever think that was not a choice. It was.

The police could have chosen to investigate more before going for the warrant. Police also could have chosen to protect me more. Oh well.

That fucking synopsis. He could have chosen not to put that last part about discrediting the state and the governor. He chose.

These are choices. This is not to say that I didn’t have choices. I still wonder if I had gone to Metro on July 4th, because it was literally like a fucking block to go from {D}’s place. I sat there in the car, and it was literally directly in front of me. I was just staring at the building from {D}’s parking space.

At the same time, though, I mean you have the same process and the same person. So wouldn’t they have protected him then too? Wouldn’t I have still gone to the press? So I am unsure. I don’t think it is ever possible to have a man like him charged. He chooses his victims well. We’re all nuts. He would say, “the crazy ones fuck better.” But there is not a woman he has been with who could not be discredited and dismissed as crazy.

This is well planned. Well thought out. MO of his. This is his hunt. He is a serial killer who never achieved his dreams. I call him Ted Bundy-lite. Like, think about it.

And {A}, you fucking goddamn—You know, I wondered if it was an accident when you came at those times. Like maybe I got something wrong. I just felt it every time. I just felt it. My answer to whether or not I was right about him raping you came in the form of your stupid attempt at covering your tracks. Why would you come to me? Me? Why? And of course you’re covering for him. Why were you coming to me in the first fucking place? Why me?

Like, this is the whiniest—but the overarching question of this is: why didn’t anyone pick me? Why did {D} have to do this? Why didn’t the police protect me? Why didn’t the prosecutors protect me? Why me? Why, with every goddamn decision that had been made, have I been the one that no one bothers with? Why me?

I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this.

And I am standing here screaming for two fucking years. No one thought I was worth protecting that night, or the months we were together, or the last two years.

I can’t even explain how this feels. Why me? Why did it have to be me?

And that is what I want the answer to. Why they picked him over me. Why they picked the state over me. Why they picked fucking with public records over me.

Oh my god, how little was I worth to them? How little do I matter?

And I am the crazy one. I’ll ask you guys too. Maybe one of you might have the balls to fucking answer me for once, but I fucking doubt it. When you all know you can change it. When you fucking know you can shift my outcome. When I know I need to post because you’re a little frantic and might be wondering if I’m alive—are you worried about me, or just… I don’t know.

No one picks me. No one. It never happened. The whole rape—I remember that day. I had called to do an employment verification on {D}. I didn’t trust him to tell me the truth, and no one was saying anything. Silence. That is what the government is good at. Silence.

I didn’t believe it, so I called, and they said that he was still an employee. And I was like, “Is that the end date?” And she said she was sure, but it might not process until the next pay cycle in the system. But for right now, the system said he is still employed.

Oh my god. I fucking lost it. I sat outside on my patio, chain smoking and beating my head against the stucco wall, and I just kept repeating that it wasn’t real. None of it had been real. It wasn’t real. Just none of it was real. I sat there for hours doing that. They had already declined the case. He wasn’t even fired. He got away with it. And I had to convince myself it was never real. You can’t fucking unsee it, though. All I could do was take a lesson from the {D} playbook and try to convince myself that nothing was real. I wasn’t even real. There is no hat.

So what the fuck do I convince myself of now that lets me live?

You guys could have done something. You made your choices. I am just the collateral damage.

And you are all just collecting me for your drama. And you are watching the free fall.