How is this happening.

Whatever is about to go down is about to go down. Whatever the fuck is happening, the die has been cast. And I have a bad fucking feeling about this.

Motherfucker.

I don’t know how any of this is possible. I just don’t know how this month happened. The surreal of it all.

So it looks like everything stems from The Fallacy of the Golden Dick, followed by me fucking with Todd. I guess the lesson is: don’t fuck with Todd?

Oy. Okay. So let’s logic through what I did here.

April has sucked because there have been filings and discovery issues, and I’ve just been inundated with legal stuff. I’ve been mad at the lawyer, and basically all of my beliefs in the sanctity of the American judicial system were stripped away by seeing how the sausage is made and finding out that {D} was actually just a shitty lawyer I couldn’t respect. That was the last belief in {D}. The rest of the myths had already been disproven. Then I saw him be a lawyer, and it turned my stomach.

It’s been tense, and I have been under a lot of stress, and I have had moments of spiraling, and I still am not leaving the house often or showering or getting out of bed.

This is just where I am at.

So what is actually happening right now? I don’t even know. I don’t know what exactly it is I did to them.

But whatever it is, I’m sure this isn’t going to be a friendly visit where they are just concerned about me or something.

I don’t know if I’m getting arrested or what’s happening.

So the Todd story, may as well. I sent Todd a message around Christmas. I felt bad about what had happened to the people at DOI because of the video and the email. Like, I fucking gutted a division, and that was not my intention, nor was it a plausible outcome in my mind when I sent the video. At the same time, they absolutely mishandled it. They did.

My argument on that has been this: there are mistakes. Happens. There could be a couple of missteps. No one is perfect. But where there are too many mistakes, missteps, omissions, and accidents, at that point it becomes a pattern of behavior. At that point, it is incompetence or it’s conspiracy. Take your pick. It was just one too many things that were not done the way they were supposed to be done.

Then we look at the reaction, the weirdness with Wolfson even being the one who talked to me, and the refusal to watch the video. And just every weird-ass thing every goddamn step of the way.

This entire case has been unsettling. Things just fucking don’t add up. The puzzle is incomplete. There are missing pieces because it is just not fucking logical.

And the State has made it impossible to ever find those pieces. I can’t get the police to help me anymore. When I lost Halligan over the Spawn’s email, I lost all support. I had called Sergeant Halligan because {A}’s husband was telling me something, and rumor and pissed-off spouses aside, what he was telling me made sense to me about {D}. Like, it fit, and I was concerned. So I called Halligan. And he was pissed. He asked if I had contacted Demon Spawn. And I said yes, and he told me I wasn’t making myself look good. And that I needed more therapy. He didn’t tell me what they had said. So I thought we were just talking about the one text I had sent. Not the calls from multiple numbers and all that jazz.

I am sorry, I will again say, I can defend the one. I can and will. Was it the ideal decision to make? Absolutely fucking not. I probably didn’t need to send the video. But I will also say it’s the only proof I had.

That said, I almost immediately apologized to {D} and to the other parent.

And please don’t get this twisted. This is not a child. This is an adult I sent this to. This is a child I have been hearing about, everything from psychopathy to when {D} and I discussed which one of our kids we should put down to unplug us should something happen to us. Like, this was the kid who would unflinchingly unplug his ass and let him die. I didn’t even think about contacting the other one because he couldn’t handle it. No way. He was too sensitive. It would have scarred him for life. Though frankly, as the boy child, he might have needed to learn that it wasn’t okay, because Christ knows his role model was not the best example of how to treat women.

I would later tell {D}, “If you’re fully clothed and not doing anything wrong in that video, then why is everyone so upset about her seeing it?”

And I mean, that’s my argument. Good or bad. I’m glad she knows he is a rapist.

So where was I going with this? I don’t know. Just the public records being disappeared. All the fucking times I talked to a journalist and they were all over it, and then nothing. They just didn’t want to talk to me. Like, I keep getting crazy-lady vibes.

They had already discredited me in the record. I was never going to be allowed to have any media at all. Just discredit me. That was all they needed.

Which leads me back to Todd. Todd came back to reading after I sent that message. That was kind of how I knew who it was. Just the timing of it all. Like, I didn’t mean to make that happen, but it just fucking did. I had known someone was there before, but I got a label for it. And then there is who I refer to as the Nazi. I know it’s her because she searches her own fucking name. This isn’t fucking rocket science. And I have heard that she has, like, a total fucking stick up her ass. Like, not likable, as per the grapevine. And she contacted the police on me for contacting her because I thought she was {A}, and fucking {D} refused to confirm or deny. Like, refused. Like, he could have told me I was wrong but had also created the situation because that was who he was with at conferences. She brought limes and gin to his room? And bearing in mind, he acts completely sketchy out of town. He comes back from conferences with hickeys. Like, he was 100% boning someone at conferences, and the pattern fit. And he talked about her too much. You don’t know those details about your coworkers. Period.

Okay, so I fucked up the theory. And it led to a theory on the AG’s office and who could have had the pull to make things happen.

Maybe none of it was a conspiracy. Maybe it was just me believing {D} and the fact that the system is this fucked up.

Anyways. So back to Todd. Why did I start fucking with Todd? Well, he went and re-read the paragraph about who {D} was supposedly fucking at the office. And Todd and Nazi have come in tandem before. So when I saw him do that, I just kind of yelled at the computer screen, “Goddamnit, Todd!” And I thought it was funny. It would be funny to call him out. I did it immediately to prove myself right because I wanted her to see when she came. I have an odd sense of humor, and that was entertaining me. Like, just amused by the whole fucking thing. Like, so predictable.

And frankly, I expected Todd to stop visiting. Nothing against Todd per se, just safer that way, I guess. I don’t know. But Todd hung on. And as a shit-talking East Coast girl, I was impressed that he stayed. Like, took your shit-talking like a man. I respect that kind of thing.

And then I was like, obviously he is here for good instead of evil. Right? But then I had Kipper show up on my Facebook, and that’s the algorithm joke about Facebook. If you want to know who has searched you, look in your People You May Know. It’s going to be one of them. So why is he searching my Facebook and not the blog Facebook page? My personal one.

The only one I am missing at DOI is the other former deputy commissioner. I don’t even know where he is, but if it’s fucking Utah, I have all my answers.

So all of you are here. I have no words. There is no reality that I ever imagined that would have created this exact moment in time.

So I’ve been asking you guys to help me. You have the power and always fucking have.

That isn’t what is going to happen here, is it?

I thought if I used my words and I fucking used my voice. Holy shit, it all actually ties back. I was using my voice that night. My big-girl voice. Dead God. Oh my fucking God, my voice doesn’t matter. It never has. Why would anyone hear me?

So this is my punishment for asking for help. Whatever is about to happen. I’m getting punished for not conforming to the lie. I used my voice. No one can hear me.

Oh my God. This is actually a bit of realization and reevaluation on my part that it never matters what I say or said or anything. There was never another answer. At no time did anyone even consider saving me.

So that is what I get. Thanks, all of you. I could have been saved. But I’m not worth it. I am going to be sick.

Whatever happens tomorrow happens. I have no control over any of it, and I never have, and nothing was ever going to come of this case.

And I mean back to the beginning. That is why I sent the video to DOI in the first place. No one would have taken it seriously. So I got {D} fired so he was able to move in with his girlfriend, who finally left her husband for him. He has more money because two incomes. He’s happy. Clearly didn’t derail his career. So {D} actually benefitted from this.

So I improved his life, and now I’m the one who is destroyed. I guess karma is—I don’t know. I’m going to jail, I bet. Oh my God. This is just how this shit works. I get raped, and I am the one investigated and punished, and I asked for help.

I mean, come on. Look at this. How? How? Holy shit, this is unfair. Why didn’t someone protect me?