Back in the Day

I finally got a new phone after 6 years. iPhone 11 is gone. Well, no, it’s right here actually, but you know what I mean. I have a phone from this decade now. Yes, my dad bought it. Unfortunately, it’s pink. That’s okay. We will live to see another day.

That said, I’m going through the notes on my phone and I found this. I wrote it in January of 2024. Before that night. Before everything happened. This was my proposal I never sent. Graphic, but interesting. A little profile and story about each of my then best friends. I don’t think any of them knew they were my core social group. My trusted partners. The people I felt most comfortable and safe with. Boy, was I fucking wrong.

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A proposal for a 4-way.
For {D}, {S}, {R}, and me.

This is not some long crazy Katie rant. Please read carefully. Twice if you need to.

So I would like to introduce you gentlemen to each other. You are my collective fuck buddies of the last decade or so of my life.

All three of you are actually very special to me. I love all three of you and I really care about you and have amazing memories with each of you. From chili relleno pussy to octopus dances to waking up at the hospital with you sitting by my bed drunk and covered in your own vomit, you three have given me some amazing and violently orgasmic experiences.

All of this has been done completely separate from each other. You have all heard about each other in passing at least a few times over the years. I always say I don’t have any friends, just a collection of guys I’ve been fucking for years. You guys are basically my friends. Like all of them. I’m weird and people don’t like me, but you guys put up with me because you appreciate good pussy and understand the general rule that crazy bitches fuck better.

Also, you all have pornstar cock, so I put up with you. It is the true balance in the fuck buddy system. Crazy bitches plus assclowns with big dicks equals good sex and friendship. I have appreciated each and every one of your cocks through the years. You gentlemen have a special place in my heart and some sort of muscle memory thing where I can specifically remember exactly how it feels when your cock penetrates me. I think about it often and generally text you shortly after everyone’s favorite text from Katie: “Hey, wanna fuck?”

So there is a long story to this (shocking, me telling a long rambling story?!?!) but due to a thing where I fucked the guy who bought {D}’s Mercedes and there was a three-way discussion, I thought, hey, maybe we could all get together at some point for a little gang bang. I don’t typically plan these things. Normally for me it starts with something random, then five guys jizzing on my face and I don’t remember who they are, but there is generally a chance that {R} made them pay him or I’ve been on Adult Friend Finder again. That place is a cesspool. You guys are better than that. Stay off that fucking site. Like, for real. Creepy-ass shit. Like my definition of creepy-ass shit. I’m serious. Be better, gentlemen.

So here’s the deal. I want to have, like, a hotel group gang bang sex party for me. With all my favorite cocks. I don’t think I have ever brought up any kind of group sex with my little harem of man whores, except {R}. And now {D}. Sorry for keeping you out of the loop, {S}. Anyways…

So we get a room. The four of us. No sword crossing. Just shitfaced, stoned, and naked. Take turns, do some bong hits while someone fucks me, toast your glasses while spit-roasting me. Just have some fucking fun. Sorry to be the only chick, but this one is basically all about me.

Honestly, let’s just fucking party. If I like all three of you, you might like each other and you could find a new golf buddy or something in the process. Hell, you might know each other already.

So hard and fast rules from me:

No hard drugs. Weed and hallucinogens are always welcome ({S}, bro, you would have that covered?). Liquor, {D}, what the hell else would I have you do? {R} always has the Viagra option and might know a guy who knows a guy if you need something else, but again, no hard drugs.

Do not fuck this up. Okay, I have been through it with all of you. All of you motherfuckers have blue-balled me at some point or another. Drop a load before you show up. Practice your edging. Keep the whiskey dick in check and bring some $10s for some Viagra. I can fuck all night. You all know that. Don’t be the guy who has to tap out and leave.

Privacy does matter. You all have, like, lives and careers and stuff. Be cool. Like, no one is married or in a relationship or anything, so we aren’t going to get jump-scared by someone’s wife, but, like, just be cool. You all are or I wouldn’t be proposing this in the first place, but for everyone I am just saying it.

Safety, of course, but guys, you have been fucking me this long. If you were to catch something, in general, you would probably suspect me as the cause in the first place. You’ve all fucked me within the same week. Maybe 48 hours. So antibiotics are cheap, raw dogging is a memory that lasts a lifetime.

Gay stuff. Guys, grow the fuck up on that. I said no sword crossing, and in years of fucking all three of you, not one of you has ever asked me to put a finger near your ass. You are, quite frankly, the straightest motherfuckers I know. Again, I know you guys. I know what I am doing. It might shock you to know I am kind of a pro at pairing and planning sex, so you’re all good.

Other than that, you all are very attractive white males in your 40s–50s. I think. {R}, are you 50 or still in your 40s? Whatever, you get the point. And, like, pornstar cock. Like not ugly, gross, saggy-balls cock. I have a specific type of cock I like, so it should be visually appealing as porn for all.

Guys, I know I’m crazy. My life has been insane for at least a year at this point and I could use a party. You guys have always kind of been there to see me through with your dicks. You’re all really good guys who clearly don’t think that weed, football, and sex would make for a good relationship with a crazy bitch, so you’re all sane. I think. Not one of you has ever put me in a soundproof room in a storage unit. I shouldn’t be judging anyone’s sanity. But you bastards seem pretty fucking sane to me.

You’re all my safe space and my safe people and, frankly, is this going to be weird? Hell if I know. I am the common denominator and I get weird and fuck things up. I mean, enough liquor and weed and everybody should be chill as fuck. Like, just party music, weed, and sex. How could this possibly go wrong?

It will be fun for me at least.

Three yeses and we will set a date. {D} is a bitch, so we need to do a Saturday if we can, but it needs to be late for {S} and {R}. But {R}, you don’t always work on Saturday and you would be the latest one to get off work. Yes, I know all of your work schedules so I know who to text if I want sex. I have them memorized. I don’t think you realize how much time and effort I put into planning sex. Like, I have a problem.

And also, obviously, if you have your harem and you are thinking about doing a similar thing, I will clearly be in for you. God, I hate having to eat pussy for the team, but I’ll make an exception for you.

I love you all. Except you, {D}. You’re a prick. And {R}, you’re kind of a dick too. {S}, you’re actually the only one I like as a person. Because {D}’s not a person, he’s a lawyer, and {R} is a fucking Republican.

Anyways, text me back!

This next part, you don’t need to actually read per se. I just want to kind of introduce you to each other.

I’m going in order of cock size.

{D}, my friend, is a sarcastic, hilarious fucking prick. My mom loves the fucking stories about you. I had actually the most intense sexual experience of my life with you that day we watched the playoffs. {D} and I met like 5–6 years ago now. Went on 3 dates. The first one, he got as giddy as a schoolboy when he saw my tits and immediately tied them up and tied me to the headboard. Second date, he picked a fight with a woman at the sportsbook while teaching me about UFC and boxing. Third date, he looked at me with his pretty blue eyes and his curly fucking hair and made me promise to see him again. We texted from the airport while he was going to Boston for work and I was going to DC to literally watch my grandmother die. Motherfucker never fucking texted me again. Found him on a dating app a couple years later and he said, “Oh yeah, I got busy and forgot to text you. You should have texted me.” You are an asshole. Like, for real. My grandma died and you knew and didn’t text me after that sappy-ass shit? We are very much cut from the same cloth. We are sex hunters and we know we are good at it and are assholes about that fact. I fall in love with you every time I see you for about 2–3 days, then I remember you’re a dick. I love giving you shit. I love the quippiness of our conversations. And I really love the fact we can both kind of look at each other and know what the other is thinking. That’s cool. I don’t know if I annoy you with my weird texts and stories or if you find it entertaining, but it entertains me, so fuck you.

{S}!

You are one of the best people I know. Like, there are very few truly good people in the world and {S} is one of them. You put me in the most interesting sexual positions. We met on Tinder like 6 years ago. I have seen him outside of his house only once and it was because he was using my employee discount when I was working at RC Willey. We used to not be able to make it up to the bedroom and would fuck on the stairs. You have the prettiest cock I have ever seen. Like, that bitch should be chiseled in marble. I don’t care if you are straight or not, you will look at this thing and go, “Damn, that’s a nice-looking cock!” It’s a fucking work of art. This man is also so fucking high he had a gas leak and didn’t realize it for months because he thought his weed was just really good. You are smart and silly and talented and always learning something new. Any fucking woman in her right fucking mind would snatch you up at any given moment. Hell, I’m not even in my right mind and I would. And you put up with my drama bullshit. You’re cool as shit and I really wish we hung out more often.

Last but not least is my boy {R}, who met me at a bar ten fucking years ago by putting his hand down my shirt and grabbing my boob and asking me to go home with him. My friends were like, “What the fuck is wrong with you, going with that guy?” I am apparently that fucking slutty. We dated for a bit and I basically kicked you in the balls via text message, ripped your heart out and stepped in it, then set it on fire and pissed on it. Yeah, I’m a fucking cunt and I don’t actually know why you are still speaking to me. You are a low-key criminal mastermind and should probably discuss the best lawyers in Vegas with {D}. You are also a horrible influence on me. I love you, bro, but we are a dangerous pairing. One of only two men in my life who can make me squirt just by fucking me. And the other one was the sociopath ex-husband I broke up with you for. That was stupid, like one of the worst decisions of my life other than the storage unit incident.

I really think this would be a hell of a lot of fun. You guys actually don’t know a lot about me. Occasionally I feel like your therapist because you bitches talk a lot. You think I talk a lot, but damn, guys. So just an FYI as to why I really want to do this.

So I found out I have some form of ALS and I am going to basically die a slow and painful death. Yay me! Don’t worry, I will be alive for a long time, just generally slowly debilitated, but the pussy will still work. Just won’t be as flexible. I’m already feeling it. This is bullshit and my ass is not fucking going out like that.

So sex, drugs, and rock and roll, my babes! Live fast, die young, because it is slightly easier than talking to your parents about when to take you off the ventilator.

I need someone to remember me.

You guys are my only friends. I know I am a pathetic human being. It is what it is. I need a party. I need to have some fucking fun and seriously a good old-fashioned Vegas hotel sex party. Like, come on. Who doesn’t want to do that? Be a friend, come fuck me with my friends.

Make a new friend. {R} needs a lawyer. {S} would be a great influence on {R} (but {R} would be a bad influence on {S}, so you two be careful), and {D} could teach you both a thing or two about bagging bitches because, {R}, for real, you need to start fucking more attractive women. Them bitches ugly. That shit is how ugly women end up single moms and attractive men become deadbeat dads.

You guys are really special to me and life is transactional, bitches. You give, you get. You have been getting the good pussy for years. Give me my sex party. I’d fuck all of you all day every day if you let me. Like, I could just go from place to place fucking. Just show up at the doorstep and hit that shit.

I don’t know if I am a glutton for punishment, but you guys are not my normal blowjob groupie stalkers. I think it is because your dicks are too big for me to properly suck in the way that makes men profess their undying love to me. But damn, you guys are hard to deal with. One more of you says “teeth!” to me and I am punching you in the balls. Like, they are in my goddamned mouth. What do you want me to do, remove them? That annoys the shit out of me.

Love you all. Let’s fuck.