Waking up screaming

I was engaged in a sexual relationship with {D} for 6 years. 5.5 of those years were not romantic but only sexual. He was kind of boring in bed. Three positions only. He put me in fluffy handcuffs our first or second date and tied something around my breasts. Basically, as the kids would say, it was very vanilla sex. I always say there are men who fuck the way they fuck and men who fuck with their partners and {D} is the epitome of the former. So how did it end up with me screaming and begging and him enjoying it? I’m not sure, but it did.

I had no inkling that {D} was into such horrific things. To each their own, but don’t drag me into it. I hate pain I really do. I am a pussy when it comes to pain. I beg for pain killers when I’m in the hospital because I don’t want to feel anything that resembles pain. This was clearly not a good pair, but I had no idea what {D} did.

Some things have come to light and last night I woke up screaming (again). {D} was in my dream. He was hurting his girlfriend, but he went too far and he killed her. He enjoyed killing her, he didn’t mean to, he just lost control like he did that night with me. I was devastated because it was my fault for not getting him charged. In reality it would be my fault because I know he can’t control it. This scared me because it’s plausible.

I have friends in the bdsm community. One thing they all say is don’t do it drunk. {D} is always drunk. He is actually a danger because he lacks all control.

{D} told me once about his fantasies of murder. They aren’t like yours. He talked about the feeling of someone's  windpipe being crushed in his hand. Feeling that. Stabbing people and the resistance on the blade as he stabbed through the layers of different tissues and organs. It was graphic and disturbing. He said he would fantasize about it at work when people came into his office.

I’m chicken littling this but it’s plausible that he could kill somebody. It would be a drunken mistake of too much force. That scares me.

One night several years ago, {D} and I had a very intimate night together. He weren’t just fucking that night. We were staring into each other’s eyes and just so connected. I will never forget how beautiful his blue eyes were that night. That changed. He changed and his eyes changed. The night of video and all the following nights his eyes weren’t right. They were grey and flat. It made me extremely uncomfortable when he looked at me like that which would be the rest of our relationship. I kept looking in his eyes and trying to find him, but he was gone.

He told me at one point that he would break me and he would become ungovernable and neither one of us would be able to come back from it without rehab. I’m scared he is there or almost there.

I loved him, I truly did and I have had a lot of thoughts while detaching myself from him. But I don’t know if who I loved was real. Psychopaths are superficially charming. Think Ted Bundy. I saw the light disappear from his eyes that horrible night on. But the sparkle would come, but only when he got away with something.

It’s difficult for me to say but he is evil. He would scare me and intimidate me just by looking at me. He would threaten me physically, which I was a physically abused child and wife so it was generally fucked up he would threaten me like that. I believed him though. He could and would hurt me if given the chance or excuse to do so.

So I worry. I worry about the women who don’t consent. I worry about him taking it too far with those who do consent. I can’t envision a world in which {D} would not eventually lose control. It’s when not if in my mind. The only question is how bad will it be when he does?

I hope I can sleep tonight without screaming. {D} hated it when I woke up screaming. Apparently he only likes the screaming when he was making me scream. He would enjoy my nightmares now. He is what wakes me up screaming.