I had a conversation last night with a criminal defense attorney. It began as a discussion about charging children as adults, brain development, and systemic issues in society when determining guilt or punishment. I always argue against charging children as adults. They don’t have a fully developed prefrontal cortex and do not have impulse control. Plus, testosterone levels fluctuate, and testosterone causes aggression.
This led me to think about the adult male. The aggression shown by men of any age is difficult to handle, particularly for women when that aggression becomes sexually focused.
I have always been accused of “flirting” with everyone. I don’t flirt, and when I do, I look like an idiot. I have no concept of how to flirt. But everyone always says it.
I guess I’ve been in sales so long that you learn to connect quickly with people so they trust you. I still haven’t figured out the flirting thing. I suppose I never will.
I think about the times this has gotten me in trouble. By “in trouble,” I mean grabbed. I mean being pinned up against a wall, having my wrist grabbed and pulled into somebody, having someone grab my inner thigh with force enough to leave finger print marks, having a hand placed on the small of my back. And that’s just the shit that happened while I was at work.
It makes you feel unsafe. Then it gets turned on you, like you did something wrong when these men can’t quite keep their hands to themselves. I’ll tell you what happened with the pastor when I was at the Christian school.
We were talking about something one day, and he was standing next to me while we were looking at a schedule on my desk. He, also being a parent of one of my students, put his hand on the small of my back and slowly slid it down to my ass. I said nothing. I have a phenomenal ass. Men do that, but I had just started at the school, and it did make me uncomfortable. I asked one of the other teachers if he was just one of those touchy-feely people and told her in confidence it made me a little uncomfortable, but it wasn’t a big deal or anything.
Well, that apparently got around to the school. Again, I had just started, and I didn’t want to be that person who accuses trusted pastors. You just don’t want to be known as “that person.” Then came the day of chapel.
Every Wednesday we had chapel—full-on church service during school. I had the kids for worship team (ever want to discuss Christian worship rock, I’m your guy). This pastor was the one leading, and he gave a sermon. It made me feel so… I can’t think of the word. I was being accused.
First, he talked about how much he loved his wife. Then he went into people who would try to pull you from your faithfulness and talked about the whore of Babylon—how evil will tempt you. He blamed the evil, not the choices made.
I can’t tell you how I felt. I was feeling very singled out, and at one key point, he made eye contact. It was my fault, and the Bible backed it up. I was crushed because the kids didn’t know, but all the teachers did. I got looks and had people dislike me the entire time I worked there from then on. He blamed me for putting his hand on my ass and for me saying something in confidence about it.
When his kid graduated middle school a couple of years later, he told me, “If something happened to my parents, I want you to be my new mom,” which is just a bizarre thing to say. But that notwithstanding, I was like, “Okay, sweetheart.” Pastor, of course, was aghast and said, “Why her? She isn’t the one you would want,” in the most disgusted way possible. I wanted to punch him. I thought about taking a swing.
That was the year I left the school. I’m sure I’m still known as that temptress whore who tried to sully the pastor.
The aggression of men is a known factor in life. Maybe we need to teach our boys better while their brains are developing and not blame the whore of Babylon for all the misdeeds of man. I get my ass is awesome, but biblical? I think we need to blame the men.
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