Humiliation

I think I finally made {D}’s girlfriend go away with what LawyerBoy said. It’s been months. I kind of want to talk shit about her, but I also feel sorry for her. She’s still in it. I know what he’s like and what he does. I know how hard it is to walk away from it—or even recognize it.

At times, she was clearly vapid and narcissistic. She would skim through my posts looking for anything about him. The way I write {D} makes it easy to scan for, and that’s all she did at first.

There were times, though, when I thought I was getting to her—reaching her because she had been there too. The way she read and reread certain things made me think that maybe she might find her way out one day. She knows, at least somewhere in the back of her mind, what he is and what he’s doing to her. She recognized it when I wrote about it.

She will undoubtedly never leave him, which is exactly what he always wanted. His biggest gripe with his ex-wife seemed to be that she left him. He told me once he still wanted to be married to her. He wants the safety and security, not love. That’s where he and I went sideways. He thought I would leave him for {S}, so he left me for her. I think he believed I would end up with {S}. “All’s well that ends well” is what I imagine he was thinking.

I’m sure he’s still getting off on my continued attention, so to speak. I wish he would go away too so I can go back to healing. This has always been about me and not him. It’s been hard for me. Detailing the relationship between us was grueling—I almost didn’t survive it. How do you feel such intense love for someone who hurt you like he did?

I’m looking at texts from him, complaining that my vagina was so swollen from that night he couldn’t penetrate me. It never occurred to him that he had caused severe physical damage.

I won’t be happy until he’s in jail. I’m still living in the day they told me he was being arrested—holding my breath because I knew I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. The piece of information that bothers me the most is a text between the detective and the victim’s advocate on the day they decided to kick the case up to the AG. The advocate said, “I told her to stop talking to him.” No other context—just that standalone text.

If I had been stronger, maybe he would be in prison now.

During my police interview, they told me not to go near him. I said something to the effect of, “I’m not sure I wouldn’t go see him if he asked.” I said "I make really bad decisions." And in a caring voice, the detective said, “Let’s try to make better decisions.”

He still has control over me to some degree. I fight it, and I fight it hard. I try to rebel against it, to get louder and meaner—just to prove his power over me is diminishing by the minute.

Which reminds me of something else his lawyer said in that motion she sent me but never filed: she said I’m using the website to humiliate him.

If you’re humiliated by being accused of rape, don’t rape people. Pretty fucking simple.