Is Love at First Sight a Psychopathic Trait?

I'm learning. It’s amazing. I am super into this guy. I’m making him a bass and it’s going to be played on stage and that kicks ass.

I hope I don’t fuck this up. This is the first time I’ve felt like myself in a long time. I just went through my soul being stomped on by LawyerBoy again. I’ve been so depressed I’m a little worried about me. Like too many thoughts of how to, if you know what I mean.

Then all of a sudden I meet this random on Match and we instantly connect.

And that scares me.

Because historically when I feel connected to someone, it has not gone well for me. My brain immediately looks for the warning sign. No blue eyes this time though, so maybe blue eyes were the indication they’re fucking satan.

Or maybe after LawyerBoy — who, let’s be fair, I was settling for — I just needed to step out of staying in the past. We are good friends. But that’s really all. I wanted more and so did he, and it wasn’t actually there.

I put myself out there and like twenty minutes later I found {P}. It just feels good and we are a lot alike. I don’t want to get my hopes up. It could fall apart easily, but I also haven’t scared him yet.

I actually wrote out this long text message about solo versus partners versus codependent and where we fall on the scale and then looked at it and realized — if it’s there it will come naturally — and I deleted it.

Because I’m still fearful. I still have that belief that no one really wants me and everyone will eventually abandon me. I walked on eggshells with {D}, terrified if I did something wrong he would leave me because of how he treated it. That got ingrained so deeply that I feel lucky someone talks to me instead of feeling like they’re lucky to have my attention.

So now I’m trying to slow my brain down and just experience the moment. The tingle. The passion. The feeling. Not jump straight to the future where everything collapses. Just see possibility.

Even with the guitars — everyone loves them and keeps telling me to sell them — and I still don’t quite have the confidence to really start soldering and doing it seriously. But I’m getting closer because people keep encouraging me.

There might actually be a future after all. Therapy started with admitting the future existed at all. Period. I did that, but it was always a sad future. This feels… different.

And that also scares me.

I’m worried about stupid things — like what if the first night I stay over I have a nightmare. When do I tell him what happened and why I’m like this? When do I explain the fight and lawsuit and the push for justice? What if he doesn't agree with me keeping on it? Good god when do I tell him about the blog? Sooner? Later? We've been intimate already, but we haven’t even had the official first date yet, that's not until Saturday.

I don’t know how that conversation happens.

And then there’s the bodybuilder. He has trauma too and we talk at 3am sometimes when he’s struggling. When do I cut him off? Do I? Is he just a friend now? I don’t even know how to do that kind of thing. {P} and I both want a certain kind of monogamy — but when does that start? Now?

This is all questions and no answers.

What I do know is I need to slow down and let something exist without predicting its ending.

I have a fretless bass that needs something written on it in Latin.

Fiat justitia ruat caelum.

Let justice be done though the heavens fall.