Lawyers. Fucking Lawyers

Well, now comes the time. Rock and Roll Lawyer is gone once again. He stood me up and accidentally fucked someone. Then blamed me.

Fucking lawyers, bro. This dude, like damn. I mean, he flipped that shit on me. It’s fucking hilarious. See text messages for details.

He did finally apologize, and when asked if he had to do it all over again, would he have fucked her or kept me, he said he would have kept me. I don’t know if that’s fucking true, but it was nice he said it.

What a fucking prick though. Like we had plans, and he goes on a date with another woman, cancels on me, and then fucking tries to bullshit his way out of it. Bitch, I dealt with fucking {D}. You fucking think I don’t know my shit? Yo.

He was at Foodie Fest, which I thought was off. He didn’t invite me. He finally talks to me at like 10 p.m. when we had plans. And he says they shut Foodie Fest down and there was a fight or something. And he says he has to cancel, and I’m like, “Wait, why?” Like, you just got kicked out. They are shutting it down. Where are you going? Huh?

He says it reminded him of Harvest Festival, which, for the non-Las Vegans, was the mass shooting. The largest mass shooting in American history. Okay, and he is like, I have to take care of my friends. Sure?

So I’m like, listen bro, I’m a little paranoid. Like, I dealt with this whole girlfriend-of-10-years double-life thing at one point, so forgive my paranoia, but are you fucking someone? And he doesn’t fucking answer. He answers a different question. Oh dear.

So I send this whole, like, listen, I know I’m a pain in the ass and it’s stupid, but just a couple things. Please don’t fucking lie to me. It’s easier than making me figure it out and have to punch you. And second, a little reassuring goes a long way with me. That’s something {D}’s dumb ass never figured out.

I told him to text me when he got home, and he said he would call in the morning. Okay, now I know for certain.

Sent one more thing. Read receipt: 2:30 a.m.

So first thing this morning, he is upset that I dare accuse him. And I’m like, “Well, did you?” And he is talking in fucking circles, and he is not under oath, and we are not married.

Okay. So yes or no, did you fuck someone? Yes or no. Couple more go-rounds, and of course he did, but BUT I WAS HIS PRIORITY AT THE TIME.

I was concerned I was not the priority when he tripped and his dick accidentally slid into some whore. So that did make me feel better.

I asked him how it was, and he said, “About average for someone who hadn’t had sex in a while.” That bad? Really? So you stood me up. You accidentally fucked the woman you went on a date with when you were supposed to be with me. And the sex sucked. AND you now have a lost little puppy because women who don’t have sex very often get attached like motherfucking leeches. And you did this because you were concerned about a quasi-monogamous relationship with me being too clingy.

I do believe he has done me a favor. This is clearly the dumbest fucking man I’ve ever met. I mean, he is not disbarred, just censured. But damn. Damn.

Who the fuck did he think he was fucking with? Then he got mad at me for ruining everything, stomping on it before it could bloom. Motherfucker, you fucking cheated during our first real weekend date that you took another woman on.

This is probably the funniest thing I’ve had to deal with in a long time.

I have to stop dating lawyers. They are all whores. Every fucking one of them. They will fucking flip the script on you out of nowhere. No more lawyers. She says, until she finds the next lawyer.